Tuesday, December 22, 2009

the in-between

Transitions have always been the hardest thing for me: making the transition from cozy inside to jogging outside, from sedentary to active, from thinking about cleaning the house (paying bills, doing laundry, cleaning the litter box...) to actually doing it.

It is NEVER hard once I've begun. It NEVER takes but a short time. When perceived as a moment-to-moment thing (living in the present as one says) it is just fine. Often actually pleasant. And brings such a feeling of accomplishment.

And yet, the transitions remain difficult for me. I don't know of anyone who would consider me lazy, but getting the ball rolling or changing the direction of that ball roll often seems nearly impossible.

It's as if I am in an orbit around one particular planet, held in stasis by gravity. When I want to send myself off into a new direction it seems to take enormous energy to escape my current orbit and the gravity that holds me there. In order to accomplish that I have to muster up my strength, batten down all the hatches, leave the predictable and comfortable, and fire all rockets to extricate myself. Ripping myself away. Once I've done that I am kind of at a loss. Now what? I'm free, I can define my next reality. But what? A couple vague notions. And vague notions won't fuel my rocket ship.

I'm in-between.

Although that might be the definition of freedom many long for, it contains some significant discomforts. What next? What if there IS nothing next?

As I finish up my year of production I find myself pacing about, not knowing what to do with myself. Orders are filled, shows completed. I comfort myself with tasks that have long needed doing which have been shoved aside for "later" when I have time: the afore mentioned bill-paying, laundry-doing, organizing and purging of former mistakes and no longer needed "necessities". I'll tackle some of those today, and they'll temporarily fill up that looming emptiness. And then I'll force myself to stop. There is never an end to the distractions I COULD use to avoid the emptiness looming in front of me. The blank slate, the proverbial blank canvas.

Can I do it? Will I find access to the next planet of wonder? Do I have the courage to keep nudging myself away from the comfort of the known?

Thank goodness there are enough little tasks involved in tucking this past year in to postpone that challenge a couple more days. Then there is Christmas. Then. Well then I'll jump into the emptiness.

For today and tomorrow, while I am busy finishing up safe little necessary tasks, I'm feeling that cold empty space coming closer.

Delicious, exciting and terrifying.

No comments:

Post a Comment