Sunday, March 21, 2010

practice

It has floated up to my attention (in yet a new way) that there is something to learn from and about my struggles around transitions.

Primarily transitions from one energetic state to another.

I've noticed that I constantly struggling against a desire to "go unconscious", to go deep into habit, pattern... just somehow "away". And transitioning from that inward, quiet, still state to a more active state is a big struggle for me.

Big.

Even though I really enjoy (for the most part) the other state once I'm there.

There is nothing in my life (currently) that I need to escape from (well, bill collectors as I am working to get the coffers built back up after the expensive east coast shows not withstanding...). It's habitual. From somewhere in my past.

I like my life now. Love it, actually.

But I've become aware that that desire to "go unconscious" is a strong, seductive and habitual mode of being.

It has the power of gravity.

I've been pondering, extending my intent to understand it more deeply (since fighting it is only somewhat effective and has begun to feel very harsh).

An image came to me of a large barbed lure, kind of like a fishing lure on a line. My struggle to move gracefully into transitions feels metaphorically like I am trying to pull it out against the barbs and it gets stuck. With my formidable and well-honed will-power (often a necessary and useful strength) I pull harder and harder until it comes out, ripping flesh and tissue. I force myself to ignore the discomfort, to push through out of shear force of will.

I think there may be another way.

One that doesn't rely solely on force.

Maybe just save that formidable willpower for real crises?

During the meditation in yoga today it occurred to me that I might be able to tug on it gently from the other direction, and perhaps it could slide out more easily without the barbs digging in and ripping me as I pull so very hard.

Presence in the moment is one of the keys I think. Really noticing that today there is nothing to fear in a more conscious experience of all the various states. Assess in current time the actual experience compared with the anticipated...

I can handle it. I'm a grown up woman.

Unconsciousness might not be the only safe, centered, or pleasant state available to me.

I've decided that is my current practice.

(but don't think for a moment I'm giving up my weekend mid-day naps!)

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