Wednesday, February 9, 2011

learning stuff,

and the stuff is important.

As you (the few of you who read this little journal) have noticed, the past couple months have been, shall we say, a little bit miserable for me?

I hadn't really, really taken it in until I gave myself the challenge to see just how much better I could feel in a week of conscious attention to doing so, and started taking action in the service of that intent.

I'm discovering (yet again) how very important exercise is. Well duh. How well do I know that? In my marrow. But do I always act on that knowledge? Well apparently not.

But not JUST that. I'm becoming aware again of how I can lose myself in a habit of rush! rush! rush! and allow myself to succumb to the belief that internal clenching and stressing and rushing is somehow going to make things go faster.

I'm beginning to have my doubts about that. Well, I never would have said I believed that, I DO know better. But I have to admit that even as better as I know, there are times and situations that trigger a big dive into unconsciousness and that (fearful?) layer in my brain takes control and clenches down.

Exercise is important for me because it burns off (to some degree) that manic rush! rush! rush! feeling inside. And it slams me back into my body and out of my rush! rush! rush! mind.

So it's very important, but not enough.

There is something else, a different way of orienting myself relative to how hard I (and I really do) have to work. There is a grace and softness I intend to incorporate more habitually than I currently do.

I think it's possible, but not easy. Simple, but not easy.

Good grief, isn't it weird that at 57, with all of my experience, with all of my (extensive) training, with all of my (actually very deep) knowing... that I'd still have to keep learning these things?

Isn't Life interesting? Crazy? Challenging? And really, when one is awake to any degree, amazing?

I mean really, if one quits learning stuff (even the same stuff over and over) it would be pretty damn boring.

And miserable.

And maybe that's the thing; being overwhelmed (for whatever reason) made me so overwhelmed I had to shut down, and shutting down made me unable to learn. And being unable to learn and being shut down made me miserable.

Boy-oh-boy am I ever happy to be un-shutting-down.

Life is returning little by little, day by day, and I welcome it.

1 comment:

  1. And to think that, when I was in my twenties, I couldn't wait until I was in my fifties when "I would know it all"!

    Really though, I love discovering, at this age, that there is still so much to learn. Life never gets boring that way.

    (FYI, I've been reading your blog every day, just not commenting because I usually read it on my iPhone, and it's a bitch to use that teeny keypad.)