my consciousness and sanity are returning.
I woke several times last night in a started panic: "what? where? who? when? what time is it?"
I calmed myself down: "only a reasonable list. right here. no one is coming. no time pressure. you can sleep as long as you want, so don't worry about the time."
Over and over.
Somehow this year's prep. has been harder than previous years I think. Or maybe, like labor pains, I just forget.
I decided my primary goal this week is to do everything I can do to feel better by the time I get on that plane to Philly. It's a game: just how much better can I feel than I've been feeling in one week's time?
Well, today I ran/walked. I went to yoga. I crossed things off my list. I took a nap. I ate healthy food.
I am pretty naked here about my life. Sure, I do have my boundaries, but still.
I remember when I was in a difficult phase with this self-employed artist business I searched and searched for blogs that would give me some clue as to how others experienced it. For real, not just for show.
I couldn't find one.
So I decided to write one.
It's for myself really, but also in case there is someone out there who wants to read the day-to-day guts and glory of an ordinary/extraordinary life of one of those sorts of people who take such a crazy thing on.
So. In my nakedness I'll just tell you that tonight in yoga, in shavasina, when Dee (the instructor) came around and gave us a brief neck and shoulder massage I started crying.
The tears just rolled down my face as I grieved for the past weeks that I've been utterly out of body, stressed, pressured, and pushing myself insanely hard.
This year I allowed the time pressure and stress to be an excuse to not take time for myself.
To not run, to not go to yoga, to not take time to settle, to not eat mindfully, to drink more than is healthy for me.
Stress and time pressure triggers excuses to not exercise, and not exercising triggers stress.
Damn vicious cycle!
But I need to remember, well, I don't really forget but I need to force myself to Take. The. Time.
And do it, no matter what.
Even in one day I am coming home to myself.
What a relief!