Thursday, March 31, 2011

fragile and fierce

I was feeling quite fragile this afternoon, toward the end of "first shift".

Went to yoga, hoping for a soothing, meditative class.

Got instead a totally kick-ass, make me sweat and tremble in my entire body, holy cow how did I get here? kind of way.

Don't feel so fragile anymore.

I ROCKED half-moon, which I've never been able to do before.

On both sides, twice.

Fragile?

What's that?

It's all transient.

All of it.

Feelings are just waves.

They wax and wane.

And we just keep breathing through them.

I spent some time this evening watching the photos of my retreat to Cannon Beach as they faded in and out on my screen-saver.

Ahhhhh...

And now the feeling is sleepiness,

So: nighty night!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

layers and layers

I remember 9/11 in New York.

I was there.

Utter, enormous forces of ... well, there's no word I can think of to describe the enormity.

And at the very same time there were all the other layers:

the emotions, the fear, the chaos, the shock, the horror.

And the pragmatic:

"am I safe? can I help? what's going to happen?"

And yet other layers:

"what's for dinner? Are any restaurants open?"

And after a couple of days: "what shall we do? go for a walk? go to the Met?"

And then: "well, I may as well look at some shoes/try some New York Cheesecake/..."
____

Enormous things happening in the world just now. Barely imaginable, even with the help (?) of images and images.

Big things happen every day, somewhere.

The dramas of Life, living itself.

I'm not expressing myself well here, but I'm feeling aware of so many layers of existence, of experience.

And thinking that it sometimes seems wrong to go around fussing about our little daily fusses.

But it's not, it's not. It's just one of the layers we live on. It's the way it works.

It is an odd complexity of tones to continually embody with harmony and grace.

Macrocosm/microcosm.

To do the little, while living the big.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

a little peek:

this is the sort of thing that happens spontaneously here while we are laboring away:

(Click here)

A couple of days ago I happened across this wig from back in the days I had a temporary job doing all the displays for the Halloween Stores here in the Seattle area. I put it on and didn't say a word to T., who was here working away with me. I think I had it on for around an hour when she finally noticed. Talk about a girl focused on her work!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

time flies

It's back to production, in a big way.

And so it seems there is nothing of real interest to write about.

But I want to take the time to write about things beyond my daily activities, just not tonight.

We are making and shipping and making and shipping and making and shipping and making and shipping and making and shipping.... (and so on).

Shipped enough to pay my team today for February, which they patiently and generously waited for.

Shipped enough to pay my mortgage, which I had extended.

Shipped enough to pay my health insurance (benefits of which have been reduced by half... and the cost? Well. This post is not about that).

Now working on shipping enough to pay my team at the end of this month, AND make my March mortgage payment on time.

Then: get back onto a more routine schedule of bills, and repaying debt.

The good news?

I have tons of orders.

And it will happen.

And it's a blessing.

And let's all send our best thoughts, prayers, wishes and light to Japan.

Good night.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

juggling, playing ping-pong and

dancing on hot coals, all at the same time.

That doesn't describe it quite right, but it gets close to what it feels like inside my brain.

Back to production!

It's kind of overwhelming: trying to get orders out quickly to get money in quickly to pay bills to order more supplies so that we can make more things to ship out to get the money in to pay bills to order more supplies to...

But...

we keep hitting walls 'cuz we need more materials to get orders finished to get them shipped out to get money in to get materials to make the things to fill the orders to get the money in to...

So you see why I described the feeling inside my brain as I did?

And yeah, we really ARE digging deep to get some things shipping and the cash flowing in the right direction.

My assistant lent me her credit card again this year to order supplies.

I delayed my mortgage payment for 2 weeks.

All my helpers agreed to work for deferred payment.

They trust and believe in me, and in what we are doing here. Amazing. That feels enormous to me.

I can only shake my head when I think about what an incredibly successful show I had, and how broke I am starting the year out again.

Once the shipment gets back from Philly (which should be any day now) there will be work ready to ship. And within a week the materials I've ordered will be coming in daily.

And then we'll be back at it with efficiency and the satisfaction of having what's needed to fill the orders.

In the meantime, we're doing the best we can with what we've got.

And our best is pretty damn good!