mary-melinda's world

all done!

2012-02-02T08:56:00.000-08:00

T. and I tore the booth down last night in a mere 5 hours. Pretty exhausted, we just put out heads down and worked well together.

Then a martini (or two) and snack back at the hotel, where a man at the bar talked us up and disclosed that he is a bond trader and a one-percenter. Interesting. Pretty clueless about the reality of broke artist-types, and we were not accusative in the least, simply interested in his reality. It was pretty darn interesting. He bought us our second round and was wet-eyed telling us about his son who has autism. Something money can't cure.

In other news, I feel that I am being stalked by a next stage of growth; something to do with confidence. For so long I've identified myself as "just a girl who makes pretty things in her house--how nice that you like them too"... something like that. I make hand written catalogs, no website... a belief (not particularly untrue) that I can't afford it, that I don't really need it. I'm not really getting to the point, sorry, it's still too vague in my own mind. But I need to have the confidence to take my little business more seriously. Get real catalogs made. A website. I wish I could describe better what it feels like. But it's a feeling of being nudged into more confidence and growth.

And now I'm going to finish my coffee and go spend a day with my friend before I fly home tomorrow!

Day 4

2012-01-31T17:43:00.000-08:00

Today T. took all the orders and added them up... and it was WAY more than I had thought! YAY! Although there have been long stretches of boredom, the orders have accumulated. I had no idea. And my primary goal with this show was to generate new accounts--and that has certainly happened. It's all very good.

After the show T. and I went to a restaurant recommended by a fellow exhibitor and I got to have major fun flirting with 2 handsome men. Oh dear, it's been too long...

What else? Just tired. As I wrote before: shows are exhausting and kind of exhilarating all at once. It's a GREAT pleasure to see all my current customers and to meet new ones, it's a pleasure and a great benefit to sit in my booth and look at my work... something I never get to do in the regular process of production and shipping. It allows me to think of improvements and new lines, so the down time between orders is not always so dull. I can feel ideas generating.

It's only 9pm, but I can feel the draw of trash TV and a very comfortable bed... so:

Good night!

Day 3...

2012-01-30T18:39:00.000-08:00

...of the New York International Gift Show. With a focus on INTERNATIONAL because I wrote my first international order to Japan! Fun.

Also, (and especially in light of all the discussion about the fact that most of the "stuff" we buy and use and furnish our lives with comes from China) a Chinese company approached me about exporting my work to high-end clientele in China. Huh.

Maybe I wrote that last time, but I'm kind of grooving on the international aspect of it all. Just kind of trippy, you know?

This is a different sort of show. I am accustomed to people just coming into my booth and ordering. At this show it seems people aren't used to ordering from artist-types, and I don't feel adequately prepared. I am seeing I REALLY need a basic website, and my catalog is laughable (and did indeed elicit some laughs from the Japanese buyers...). So. Lots of growing still to do.

And ALL of my current customers are coming by looking for new work. Oh Lordy, I hope it will manifest before the Philly show. This show came so early I didn't get my usual (and necessary!) time for creative retreat. Sigh.

And that's all the news from me for tonight--I wonder if anything is happening in the larger world?

Sleep well...

Shows are:

2012-01-28T17:24:00.000-08:00

stressful, exhausting, anxiety-provoking and....

also really fun!

I love seeing current customers, and I love meeting new ones. I love seeing all my work under the lights, all together. I never see it like that if not at a show.

The shipment got here, late, but here and T. and I got it set up and looking fabulous.

The first day, today, went really well and I have high hopes for the next 4 days. The NYIGF is different in some ways from other shows. Types of buyers I haven't experienced. One is a Chinese woman here in USA wanting to export high-end work to China. Now that's an interesting change. Another has a Facebook business. Is actually partnered with Facebook and Twitter. I don't know what to think about either, they are new entities in my mind that I'm curious about.

I took T. to my favorite NY restaurant for her Christmas gift and we had a magnificent feast. It remains my favorite, and may have become hers as well.

Right now, a martini at my side, day one over with, and soon, very soon, to bed. On a feather bed with a down comforter and some kind of really nice sheets. Now that this first day is over I may actually sleep well in such comfort!

Good night...

packed!

2012-01-24T21:33:00.000-08:00

...and ready to go.

New York International Gift Show here we come.

It was a real back and forth process deciding to do the show, but for a variety of reasons it felt, in the end, like the right thing to do. A major financial risk, but that seems to be the name of my game.

T. is coming with me!

I'll be in NYC for a little more than a week, then home for a week, then to Philly for THAT show. Busy busy.

We had a big (for the pacific northwest) snow/ice storm this last week and the pallets were all shrink-wrapped and tarped at the street ready for the shippers to pick up. Turns out they wouldn't come up the hill to my house so they sat out there on the street for a week. Finally went out on Monday and with luck will make it to the show on Friday in time for T. and I to set up in a few hours, vs. the 2 days I'd planned for.

Being a self-employed artist type requires some flexibility and willingness to put ones head down and get the job done.

And that's just what T. and I have done for the past 3 weeks. Amazing what we've accomplished!

My mother told me to...

2012-01-07T18:17:00.000-08:00

She told me to start writing here again. In no uncertain terms.

Well, since I ALWAYS (!) do what my mother tells me to do, I'm here.

I quit writing because I thought I had nothing to say. My life goes along; work, sleep, eat, walk... but within the context of those few things there is a Life going on. The fact that I don't remember much about the past few months tells that I've been working hard, yes, but also a more important point: I want to acknowledge that I have been kind of sleep-walking, not paying attention to the details, the subtleties, the nuances that breathe Life into life.

My New Years resolution is to pay more attention. Be more present, acknowledge the moments that add up to days, weeks, months, years....

And I suspect if I do that, I'll have something to say again.

Wishing you all Love and Light... and Presence in this new year.

Summer!

2011-07-04T13:03:00.000-07:00

Summer is here a day early. It usually waits until July 5th to show up.

Bonus!

(which is not to say we haven't broken all previous records for rainfall this year).

And I'm not going to write more than that just now, it's just that, well you know, I haven't checked in here for a while. And I wanted to say howdy, I'm alive, I have lots of stuff I want to write, I've been busy and I'm happy.

It's all good.

Talk to you soon!

where's normal?

2011-06-04T09:17:00.000-07:00

It's all a fog.

First, horrible 12-hour stint of what I thought was excruciating heartburn. Pacing, rocking all night and day...

Then my brother called and said "huh, sounds like when I had my gallbladder attack."

To doctor, to ultrasound, to confirmation, to making appt. with surgeon.

Then to Arizona to host a big party to celebrate mom's 80th birthday, everyone's invited! PARTAY!

Warning from doctor: "don't eat anything. If you get an attack while you are gone go to ER asap".

PARTAY!

Home, see surgeon, surgery the next morning. In and out he said. Easy-peasy.

Surgery. Amazing drugs, floating, floating, floating. OUCH! more floating, courtesy of the blue button gripped in my left hand...

"gotta keep you overnight"

huh.

blue button, blue button, blue button... the button of floatation. The blue button of blur.

"enzymes weird, duct blocked, gotta keep you overnight again, maybe another surgery in the morning, no food or drink again"

huh.

blue button float.

Ok eat. tests inconclusive. go home, come in a week for more tests.

what was that, 3 days on the blue button?

Surgeon comes by to talk before I leave, checks my blue button-bag. "huh, you've used a really minuscule amount"

I sigh and tell him I was sure I was about to be busted for blue-button-abuse.

Honestly, pain aside, the blue-button is the only way to survive the utter boredom of hospital.

Home again, riding waves of work, nap, walk, nap, work, nap, nap, sleep... pain, relief.

gradually getting better.

But I'm feeling rather at a loss. Between having been in Arizona and then being "gone" in other ways...

I'm trying to find my way back to my own rhythm. My personal normal.

My rhythm is out of whack. I can see the tracks, but can't quite hop on.

Through the weird fog of in-between, I am aware that T. is keeping my business rolling along those tracks.

Thank goodness for such a fab. assistant!

They're HERE!!!!

2011-05-10T10:26:00.001-07:00

I finally got the photos of the new work back from the photographer, my assistant T. and I got chills as we saw them for the first time this morning, and we both commented that "but the work is even SO much better now than when these photos were taken!" That's inevitable, as each piece is done individually and as these are the first pieces ever made in this line we (and they) continue to grow and develop in complexity and subtlty. Please do click on them to see them larger!

So without further ado:

This is one of the new "forest" vases

Hare here is a grouping of them:

and here is a rose vase (I tend to call them "grandma roses" as my grandma always loved roses and I have a painting she did of some in my kitchen)

and a grouping:

and this is what I call "canopy tree", because I remember taking the original photo looking up into the tree from the shade below:

Hhere is a collection of "grass" and "sumac":

and here are some "treeberry" and "anenomy":

and last, but certainly not least are the new "whisper" martini, wine, and tumblers:

when I started this journey,

2011-05-07T11:29:00.000-07:00

I had an exciting idea.

An adventure!

An interesting life!

A life that I crafted to fit my very own self, not a slot that I had to try to squeeze my unique shape into...

So I bought a little rowboat.

I didn't ask around much, I didn't learn about the weather, I didn't research different kinds of boats, I didn't even know how to row.

I just knew I wanted to paddle in the water.

Oh, I got into the water ok. I loved it. Every day, waking up with the whole day stretching in front of me, offering nothing but time for me to work on what I had set in front of me to do.

But the boat had leaks I hadn't known about, and rowing was much more work than I had thought.

I still tried, tried, tried.

Bailing, rowing, bailing, rowing, bailing, rowing...

While I was busy bailing and rowing several big storms were gathering themselves.

I survived the first three or four. Swamped, but I managed to get the boat upright and climb back in.

The last one sank my boat. I managed, after days and weeks of swimming, to get to shore.

It was weeks later that I was able to sit up, look around, and decide what to do.

I decided to get another boat.

Pretty nervous about it all, I set off. This time I had a little sailboat. I learned gradually to navigate some winds and waves. How to trim the sails in, how to batten hatches, how to steer into the wind and wait out the storms.

But still, the weather was too much for my little boat, and she suffererd some big dammage. I felt beaten down and discouraged, but I had already commited myself to a life on the sea. Just had to figure out how to make it work.

I got a new boat, a little bigger, and with a crew.

The boat is a modest sailboat. Strong enough to sail in the big ocean, but still very vulnerable to waves and weather. To keep her afloat it takes a great amount of skill, and many times I can't rest or the boat might be swamped again. But my crew and I are learning to work well together, and in spite of having no real survival suits, we continue to steer this little boat right into the wind. It is exhilerating, exhausting, and our survival has given a lot of confidence. Wheeeeeee!!!!!

It's good.

I envision a slightly bigger boat next, still modest, no monster cruiser; I still want to feel every nuance of the wind and waves. But more stable, more secure, and I want it to be fully outfitted with survival suits.

That's what I want now.

what deserves applause?

2011-05-02T20:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a friend stopped buy, and our chat (which rambled around and about) somehow arrived at a comment he made stating that graduating college was a sign that one has learned discipline, and deserved respect based on that.

For me, that did not ring true at all.

College (all three degrees of it), was easy. Well, relatively speaking. Sure there were long sleepless nights of the drama of finishing a term paper, etc., but it was such an enormous buffet of courses (Ha! Like that metaphor?) during which I had only to be fed the opportunity to learn things that expanded my mind and made life more interesting.

Not including the (I'm sort of ashamed to admit) fact that I didn't have to surrender to the "real world" of boredom and hopelessness. Which, after graduating from my first degree is what I experienced in my first (and only!) "real job".

I never felt that I deserved applause or congratulations for college. It was relatively easy for me. Fun, interesting, exciting. Full of hope and plans to make a difference.

What I feel worthy of applause & recognition is when I do things, most often really little things that would be of no consequence to most people but are very difficult for me. Simple things that feel to me like I am slaying dragons... that the dragons are about to slay me.

I dealt with some old tax issues last week.

THAT was enormous!

I had cold sweats, anxiety, sleepless nights.

And I did it.

I did it.

I slayed that dragon.

THAT'S the kind of thing I feel I deserve applause for.

The hard stuff for one person is often, perhaps mostly, very small for many others.

It's the little things.

We fight our little battles inside ourselves but in reality they are the big ones.

Hooray for us!

my relationship (s) with the weather

2011-05-01T16:20:00.000-07:00

It's sunny today!

I actually love all kinds of weather.

I am often so relieved to have the rain.
Rain makes me feel so soft and safe, all wrapped up in a cozy nest. Soothed, comforted.

Big thunder and lightening are exhilarating for me. I want to be out IN it. When I was a kid on the island I would nestle myself between big driftwood logs on the beach and just watch & breathe it in.

Big wind makes me want to be out in the gusts, to feel the power of it push against my body. When I was at the ocean last fall there was a huge storm with around 90-100 mph wind. I went running on the beach. Into the wind, I was at (what seemed like) a 45 degree angle, and running WITH the wind I had to lean back like a drum major to not be blown onto my face.

I remember in college a particular storm during which I ran to the top of a big hill and danced in that wind. I came home to the dorm, opened the big window and hung leaves I had gathered from the woods from the ceiling with thread, and played Carmina Burana at top volume.

So FULL of it I wanted to burst forth from my body.

I loved it.

Today the sun is out, the air is warm, I went for a little walk to the store and was thinking about the differences I feel in the sun vs. in the rain.

In the rain my spirit is contracted, pulled way in, and curled up tight like a napping kitten. Cozy and safe.

In the sun my spirit expands, the molecules of my self seem to disperse forever, and I feel a lightness, an openness, and a sort of transparency.

The differences are so striking.

Today is a day full of light, lightness, and sweetness.

heavy weather

2011-04-07T20:19:00.000-07:00

This week, here in my home/studio/factory--often known as "studio hyjinx" we've had very heavy hearts.

My assistant T. left to come here Tuesday morning calling out to her husband: "see you tonight, I love you!"

And when she got home that evening her husband told her that the marriage wasn't working for him, he wants a divorce, he's seeing someone else and he has already spoken with a lawyer. Oh, and that she should move out that night.

No warnings, no process, no affect, no feelings shown. Nothing.

When she called me that evening I didn't believe her. When she convinced me it was no joke I couldn't close my mouth.

There were trips planned, she had just taken on and completed a modest remodel of their home, he was buying fish for dinner and we had discussed that day at the work table what she would make to go with it.

She is in shock. Grief. Despair.

And all of us here are as well.

And then a second wave:

R. (another of "us") got a phone call that an acquaintance/neighbor of hers had been brutally beaten (probably to death, as she was showing no brain activity at last report) while we were all here, working, that same day.

We are all in shock.

Absorbing the impact of cruelty, brutality.

Absorbing the fact that the earth is not as solidly stable under our feet as we want to believe it is.

Earthquakes, tsunamis, wars, lies, heartlessness, cruelty and violence. In the big world, and in the small.

We have no control.

We can only do our best.

And be kind.

I've noticed lately...

2011-04-05T21:14:00.001-07:00

...that it's often hard for me to gain entrance to a new book.

I keep trying to begin, and each night fall asleep only a few pages into it.

Then, the next night I forget what I had read and start over.

And over.

And over.

I picture it like running to get up enough speed to jump aboard a moving freight train; once safely on it I can just hang on and enjoy the ride.

But sometimes it takes a number of tries.

This is just a polite way of saying:

"I'm going to bed early, 'cuz I'd really like to jump on that train."

fragile and fierce

2011-03-31T23:19:00.000-07:00

I was feeling quite fragile this afternoon, toward the end of "first shift".

Went to yoga, hoping for a soothing, meditative class.

Got instead a totally kick-ass, make me sweat and tremble in my entire body, holy cow how did I get here? kind of way.

Don't feel so fragile anymore.

I ROCKED half-moon, which I've never been able to do before.

On both sides, twice.

Fragile?

What's that?

It's all transient.

All of it.

Feelings are just waves.

They wax and wane.

And we just keep breathing through them.

I spent some time this evening watching the photos of my retreat to Cannon Beach as they faded in and out on my screen-saver.

Ahhhhh...

And now the feeling is sleepiness,

So: nighty night!

layers and layers

2011-03-20T20:14:00.000-07:00

I remember 9/11 in New York.

I was there.

Utter, enormous forces of ... well, there's no word I can think of to describe the enormity.

And at the very same time there were all the other layers:

the emotions, the fear, the chaos, the shock, the horror.

And the pragmatic:

"am I safe? can I help? what's going to happen?"

And yet other layers:

"what's for dinner? Are any restaurants open?"

And after a couple of days: "what shall we do? go for a walk? go to the Met?"

And then: "well, I may as well look at some shoes/try some New York Cheesecake/..."
____

Enormous things happening in the world just now. Barely imaginable, even with the help (?) of images and images.

Big things happen every day, somewhere.

The dramas of Life, living itself.

I'm not expressing myself well here, but I'm feeling aware of so many layers of existence, of experience.

And thinking that it sometimes seems wrong to go around fussing about our little daily fusses.

But it's not, it's not. It's just one of the layers we live on. It's the way it works.

It is an odd complexity of tones to continually embody with harmony and grace.

Macrocosm/microcosm.

To do the little, while living the big.

a little peek:

2011-03-16T20:46:00.001-07:00

this is the sort of thing that happens spontaneously here while we are laboring away:

(Click here)

A couple of days ago I happened across this wig from back in the days I had a temporary job doing all the displays for the Halloween Stores here in the Seattle area. I put it on and didn't say a word to T., who was here working away with me. I think I had it on for around an hour when she finally noticed. Talk about a girl focused on her work!

time flies

2011-03-15T23:15:00.000-07:00

It's back to production, in a big way.

And so it seems there is nothing of real interest to write about.

But I want to take the time to write about things beyond my daily activities, just not tonight.

We are making and shipping and making and shipping and making and shipping and making and shipping and making and shipping.... (and so on).

Shipped enough to pay my team today for February, which they patiently and generously waited for.

Shipped enough to pay my mortgage, which I had extended.

Shipped enough to pay my health insurance (benefits of which have been reduced by half... and the cost? Well. This post is not about that).

Now working on shipping enough to pay my team at the end of this month, AND make my March mortgage payment on time.

Then: get back onto a more routine schedule of bills, and repaying debt.

The good news?

I have tons of orders.

And it will happen.

And it's a blessing.

And let's all send our best thoughts, prayers, wishes and light to Japan.

Good night.

juggling, playing ping-pong and

2011-03-02T18:53:00.000-08:00

dancing on hot coals, all at the same time.

That doesn't describe it quite right, but it gets close to what it feels like inside my brain.

Back to production!

It's kind of overwhelming: trying to get orders out quickly to get money in quickly to pay bills to order more supplies so that we can make more things to ship out to get the money in to pay bills to order more supplies to...

But...

we keep hitting walls 'cuz we need more materials to get orders finished to get them shipped out to get money in to get materials to make the things to fill the orders to get the money in to...

So you see why I described the feeling inside my brain as I did?

And yeah, we really ARE digging deep to get some things shipping and the cash flowing in the right direction.

My assistant lent me her credit card again this year to order supplies.

I delayed my mortgage payment for 2 weeks.

All my helpers agreed to work for deferred payment.

They trust and believe in me, and in what we are doing here. Amazing. That feels enormous to me.

I can only shake my head when I think about what an incredibly successful show I had, and how broke I am starting the year out again.

Once the shipment gets back from Philly (which should be any day now) there will be work ready to ship. And within a week the materials I've ordered will be coming in daily.

And then we'll be back at it with efficiency and the satisfaction of having what's needed to fill the orders.

In the meantime, we're doing the best we can with what we've got.

And our best is pretty damn good!

home

2011-02-27T18:28:00.000-08:00

At least my body is.

I'm still waiting for the rest of me to arrive.

I'm soooooo happy to be able to store my body here in a safe, comfortable, familiar place while the rest of me finds it's way home too.

The 42 hours it took to get back took a bite out of me, but gave me some very surreal experiences some of which I chronicled on Facebook from my iPhone in situ (I've been posting from my phone lately too, so when words seemed kind of weird, that's what it was. Or at least that's what I'm saying). But it seems that I have no idea what I'm saying right now so let me just say:

My kitty and I are having a wonderful reunion.

I think he hasn't stopped purring the whole day.

I feel just as happy to see him.

The long road home

2011-02-26T15:50:00.000-08:00

I had such a great time in New York.

Very short, but packed to just the right fullness. I loved being with my friend and her family, I loved the time we spent out on the streets together.

I loved being out on the streets alone!

And I was really inspired by my visits to MOMA and the Guggenheim. For some reason new little tickles of insight visited me. I found myself smiling a lot. I didn't see them as much as beautiful-famous paintings, but kind of was able to see the them a bit in the context of their time. To see through their fame a bit, to the crazy/incredible excitement of freeing up a new way of seeing, perceiving, expressing during that point in history.

Lot's to think about.

I also got to have my ritual treat at my favorite restaurant: Union Square Cafe, and I walked a gazzilion miles.

I said my goodbye's to my friends last night, as I would be out on the street hailing a taxi well before dawn.

Spent 4.5 hours at the airport waiting for a co-pilot, then a 6.5 hour flight to SF, of course having missed my connections. No space on any flight to Seattle today, so I am tucked into a Doubletree Hotel courtesy of United, with a nifty little toiletries bag (but no makeup, and no little airplane bottle of gin, what's up with that?)

So I'll be forced into getting caught up on my rest, and be ready to get to work on all those orders I wrote!

But now I just really want to see my kitty.

NYC!

2011-02-24T06:19:00.000-08:00

I'm in The City!

I can't believe how happy I feel.

I got off the train yesterday, caught a cab, got to my friends home, and the moment I walked in I felt happy and "at home"!

Without further ado, Danielle and I hit the streets, and BANG! I was in New York.

Kind of a dizzying transition, I had barely opened my eyes from a long, long (metaphorical) sleep which was the past few... weeks? And to suddenly wake up without warning on the streets of New York...

Well, I felt almost giddy!

I kept telling D. how happy I felt; to be walking around with her (we haven't spent any time together in, why, it must be 2 years?

I felt immediately at home, we made dinner together as if we did it every day.

I went to sleep happy and woke up with a smile, little bubbles of excitement in my belly.

So.

No more for now, Danielle is hard at work under a tight deadline and I am hitting the streets on my own today. My favorite thing to do in New York. I will likely get my boots fixed, do some "product research", maybe I'll get uptown to Moma or the Met.

I'll stop someplace along the way for lunch, and no doubt indulge my ritual of a cocktail and appetizer at my favorite restaurant: Union Square Cafe. Last year when I was here, so sick, I didn't do ANY of those things, and didn't even really get to spend time with my friends. I just slept the whole time. This time I intend to make up for it, even in just a couple days.

Gotta go, there's a city to see!

Writers cramp

2011-02-22T20:15:00.000-08:00

from rewriting so many illegible order forms. Well, illegible to anyone but me.

And then I had to look up all the prices (no, I certainly do not have them memorized. I just worked them out before the show!)

And then split large orders into three separate orders as requested in some cases.

And then re-count to be sure the number of pieces added up correctly.

And the double-check prices and total all the categories.

And then run downstairs to get dinner at happy-hour prices.

And then come back to the room to do a final tally.

Yep.

Looks like job security for another year!!!

How is it possible to be so broke I wonder how I'll get through the month, and yet confident of the year ahead?

Well, it seems I am learning the definition of cash flow.

And for those of you betting types: I did WAY more paperwork than napping today (I lost that bet too),

and...

I wonder what the odds are in the race between me finally getting a handle on managing my finances so that I'm NOT broke and in debt next year at this time... Or will it be the same? I suppose an odds-maker type person would say, based on history, that history will simply continue repeating itself.

But I have been getting better at it, little by little, so I'm going to wager my two bits on the side of coming back from the shows solvent and able to order materials and pay my mortgage and helpers.

It will require that I continue working very diligently, but I've certainly proven I can do that.

And I DID raise my prices a smidge. It had become clear that it's not just about working harder, not just about making better decisions, not just about to be working all (yes, ALL) the time, not just about making really lovely things that actally do sell in the marketplace...

But the price has to encompass the cost.

I have some old programming to overcome. Something that keeps me from believing I can have...

whatever...

I'll be working on that this year!

I'm betting I can do it.

Tomorrow morning i'll pack up and catch the train to New York, to visit my friends there!

Good night.

Done.

2011-02-21T19:23:00.000-08:00

All done.

Packed up, three pallets, shrink-wrapped, labeled, bill of lading filled out.

Thank GOODNESS for my awesome Philly crew. Really. What a gift to my heart, soul, spirit... not to mention my mental health and body! I CAN NOT believe I used to do it all myself. Wow. I was a very strong, persistent, and determined FOOL!

But now, all done. Finished with this Big Show.

Show good. All the other artists reported that too.

That's GREAT!

I don't know the numbers yet, as I've been too sick to do anything but get through the days and survive the nights; thrashing about, checking the time, trying to sleep and breathe and not cough. I really hate being sick. Can you tell?

I am feeling better now though, it finally broke. I am coming alive again.

I have the whole day tomorrow to:

sleep. As late as I want. And then even later.

Do paperwork.

Sleep.

Go to museum.

Sleep.

Do more paperwork.

Sleep some more...

We'll see what gets checked off on THIS list.

If I were you, I'd bet bunches of money on the sleep thing...

Doin' it

2011-02-20T18:20:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm very busy at the show, which makes me very glad.

The new work I struggled so laboriously is a success!

But I have this yucky cold and feel really crappy.

So.

It's disappointing to not be able to enjoy, but I'm getting the job done!

Tonight, after a stop at the drugstore and Kinkos, I came back to the hotel, got into my jammies, ordered room service, and settled in to watch stupid TV.

Prone.

Just what I've bee longing for since I got upright this morning.

Being a good little trooper...

Great day,

2011-02-18T22:13:00.000-08:00

Line out of the booth until 1:30,

Great response to my newborn line.

But I'm sick.

Came on through the day, in spite of hands full of vitamins and every immune concoction I know.

Damn airplanes. Damn convention centers.

It gets me every year.

But the show is proving to be a success, even though I haven't done any totals at all

I know,

But I'm a real baby when I'm sick.

And the next few days will not be a whole lot of fun.

Boo hoo, sniff sniff.

But the show? For me?

It's going great.

And for that I'm incredibly grateful!

long day

2011-02-17T17:37:00.000-08:00

but nearly ready.

Philly crew warmed my heart and we got the skeleton up in 4 hours or so.

Then I spent the next 7 hours alone "fluffing", staging, arranging, displaying, putting out price cards, etc., etc.

I'm always astonished at how long that takes.

And still, after all that,

I need to go in early tomorrow morning to clean up all the glass (fingerprints! smudges! T. would shriek!), and arrange some fresh flowers, and make some of the price cards more clear.

But it's up. The booth. The work. The lights.

And: It's good.

I've been writing with such hesitation about my new line. Wondering, doubting, wondering.

When I saw it unpacked today, then arranged under lights, I think it's the best ever.

Some of the things I thought might be ho-hum actually look amazing!

I'm so pleased.

My Philly-crew was already putting their names on stuff they want to buy at the end of the show, and were most taken with the new.

Cool. They are the first to see it, outside of "us", so that gives me confidence too.

And now, some photos! (as always, click on photo to see larger...)

Last night the bar was full. What was I doing? Working, of course!

Sweet/sad: one man talked with me a bit, wistfully commenting that I am "living the dream". He told me he was a ceramic artist, but now works in the pharmaceutical industry. Wife, and kids. Wistful. I reminded him he has financial security and benefits. Cost and benefit to every choice.

But he still looked wistful and sad.

This morning, I walked into the booth space to this. SO much potential! SOOOOO many hours to fruition!

And then, after cutting away the layers of shrink wrap, I was reminded of the thoughtful and careful little things my crew does to make sure everything is ok:

Rachel and Connie clumped bubble wrap over some little pokey-uppy points, to make sure they were well protected in the shipment. That may not seem like much, but it is..., it is...
And then there is that incorrigible T., who can't leave words well enough alone. Nope. Not even when she's doing something so mundane as labeling boxes to be included in the shipment to Philly:

and then there is this:

After a very, very long day.

Yes, I'll probably take some shots of the booth in it's dressed-up-for-the-ball costume tomorrow. I was too tired and dirty and all my fingernails were too broken for such fancy stuff today....

But tomorrow:

IT'S SHOWTIME!

Goodnight.

Still workin' the list:

2011-02-16T16:07:00.000-08:00

Actually managed to get up at 3am? Check.

Cab came on time and delivered me (dozing) to SeaTac on time? Check.

Got 3 quarts of water for plane & first night in hotel? Check.

Drank Bloody Mary on plane and dozed while listening to mbira? Check.

Survive flight and change planes in Denver (although nearly missed connecting flight because of severe space-out)? CheckE

Get to Philly? Check.

Arrange for lost luggage to be delivered to hotel? Check.

Check in at hotel?

Check.

Martini, tuna tartare, mussels all for $5 each in hotel bar? Check.

Sleep a gazzilion hours? Check.

Sleep a few more hours? Check.

Workout on the treadmill 40 minutes this morning? Check!

Make 100 copies of catalog? Check.

Make up price cards? Check.

Go to exhibitor Services to buy badges for crew? Check.

Make sure my big shipment has arrived? CHECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually FIND liquor store and buy wine for booth to serve buyers and artist-neighbors, and gin for hotel room? Check.

Find the cool Reading Market (yeah, right across from the Convention Center, but still...) and buy snacks for set-up? Check.

Find 7-11 and buy a gazzilion bottles of S.Pellegrino for me to drink in my booth? Check. (last year I drank 3 liters water a day and never peed a single time during the show. Convention Center Air).

NOT get lost a single time today? Check! (and for those who know me, that's significant!).

Lost (and fortunately good people had my back): wallet, credit card, room key. Check. (shame face, gratitude face)

Kept my head attached. Major Check. At least that.

Arrange for my pre-shipping (Amazon supplies) and late delivered luggage to be brought from hotel storage to my room? Check.

Back to hotel in time for happy hour? Check.

Crew notified about logistics for set-up tomorrow? Check.

"The usual" happy hour fare consumed? Check.

And now I'm folding the little tent-shaped price cards for my display, while sitting in the bar (free wi fi) and listening to live jazz.

And sipping my martini, which I ordered AFTER I ate plenty, as I kinda forgot to eat all day and I know enough to NOT drink a martini on an empty stomach...

Not bad, not bad at all.

OH! and a peculiar thing. Somehow all of us artists/craft persons have an uncanny ability to simply know each other, to recognize each other in a crowd. Weird. At the airport, in the elevator, on the street, in the stores.... with blunt confidence I've been asked, with NO prelude, "have you set up yet? what do you do? where's your booth?" So I started doing the same thing. We don't look that different from anyone else, at least I don't think so (well, there's my hair, but still... that doesn't explain the others). I think it's interesting. Kind of an artdar, versus a radar.

Alright, back to folding my little tent cards and my martini.

Oh! And did you know that actually DOING a show, the actual BEING here, is a billion times easier and less stressful than preparing for it? I just have ONE task. Do the show. That's it.

I love it.

I'm not stressed in the least.

Busy, but not stressed.

Ok. Now I think I'm done with you.

Bye now!

ready.

2011-02-14T20:56:00.000-08:00

Hair cut & colored? Check.
Dishes done? Check.
Glass finished and packed? Check.
All the little forgotten things? Check.(hopefully)
Clothes packed? Check.
Philly crew confirmed? (mostly) check.
Electronics charged? Check.
Tigger-Lou love planned? Check.
Some cash in wallet? Check.
A book? Check.
My All. Important. Folder? Check.
Plane ticket ready to grab when I'm too tired to see? Check.
Taxi number ready for 4 am in the morning when I'm am VERY unhappy to be up? Check.
Laundry, house and dishes? Check.
Catalog? Check.
Price cards? Check.
Martini? Check.
Bed by 9pm? Well, not quite, but close.

I think I'm ready to go.

Next post? Philly!
Good night.

The List

2011-02-12T22:04:00.000-08:00

is looking more manageable by the day.

Which is good, as the days are ticking by and there are only 2 left until I leave!

Today I'm working on my catalog, figuring out pricing, figuring out again how to format it in a program I haven't used since last year--as last year I saved it only in PDF, and, come to find out, I can't just update it but need to start from scratch.

It's just a small thing though.

It's just time, and I have (just barely) enough.

I've confirmed my set-up/take-down crew in Philly. I hope anyway so, it's weird hiring people sight unseen from Craig's List, mostly by instinct. I'm never totally sure until they show up--although since 3 of the 5 are returning for yet another year I have confidence. I've been very, very fortunate to meet terrific people, one of whom is my same photographer who will pick up my work at night, photograph it, and get it back to me before the show opens the next morning. Not only a great photographer, but a great guy.

My house is clean, my laundry is done, I've written out a sort-of packing list.

I still need to finish some work and finish the catalog and make price cards.

And arrange for some Tigger-Lou lovin'.

But that feels do-able.

I can't slack, but it's do-able!

OH! And Wendy Rosen (the founder of The Show) wrote on her Facebook page that pre-registration of buyers is up 30% this year.

That certainly bodes well.

That, and the fact that there are no blizzards in the forecast for either Philly or Denver (where I change planes). If you don't know why that's on my mind, go back in this blog and read the entries from a year ago...

Lookin' good!

And folks, that all the news I've got.

Good night!

learning stuff,

2011-02-09T22:42:00.001-08:00

and the stuff is important.

As you (the few of you who read this little journal) have noticed, the past couple months have been, shall we say, a little bit miserable for me?

I hadn't really, really taken it in until I gave myself the challenge to see just how much better I could feel in a week of conscious attention to doing so, and started taking action in the service of that intent.

I'm discovering (yet again) how very important exercise is. Well duh. How well do I know that? In my marrow. But do I always act on that knowledge? Well apparently not.

But not JUST that. I'm becoming aware again of how I can lose myself in a habit of rush! rush! rush! and allow myself to succumb to the belief that internal clenching and stressing and rushing is somehow going to make things go faster.

I'm beginning to have my doubts about that. Well, I never would have said I believed that, I DO know better. But I have to admit that even as better as I know, there are times and situations that trigger a big dive into unconsciousness and that (fearful?) layer in my brain takes control and clenches down.

Exercise is important for me because it burns off (to some degree) that manic rush! rush! rush! feeling inside. And it slams me back into my body and out of my rush! rush! rush! mind.

So it's very important, but not enough.

There is something else, a different way of orienting myself relative to how hard I (and I really do) have to work. There is a grace and softness I intend to incorporate more habitually than I currently do.

I think it's possible, but not easy. Simple, but not easy.

Good grief, isn't it weird that at 57, with all of my experience, with all of my (extensive) training, with all of my (actually very deep) knowing... that I'd still have to keep learning these things?

Isn't Life interesting? Crazy? Challenging? And really, when one is awake to any degree, amazing?

I mean really, if one quits learning stuff (even the same stuff over and over) it would be pretty damn boring.

And miserable.

And maybe that's the thing; being overwhelmed (for whatever reason) made me so overwhelmed I had to shut down, and shutting down made me unable to learn. And being unable to learn and being shut down made me miserable.

Boy-oh-boy am I ever happy to be un-shutting-down.

Life is returning little by little, day by day, and I welcome it.

little by little...

2011-02-08T21:38:00.000-08:00

my consciousness and sanity are returning.

I woke several times last night in a started panic: "what? where? who? when? what time is it?"

I calmed myself down: "only a reasonable list. right here. no one is coming. no time pressure. you can sleep as long as you want, so don't worry about the time."

Ahhhh.

Over and over.

Somehow this year's prep. has been harder than previous years I think. Or maybe, like labor pains, I just forget.

I decided my primary goal this week is to do everything I can do to feel better by the time I get on that plane to Philly. It's a game: just how much better can I feel than I've been feeling in one week's time?

Well, today I ran/walked. I went to yoga. I crossed things off my list. I took a nap. I ate healthy food.

I am pretty naked here about my life. Sure, I do have my boundaries, but still.

I remember when I was in a difficult phase with this self-employed artist business I searched and searched for blogs that would give me some clue as to how others experienced it. For real, not just for show.

I couldn't find one.

So I decided to write one.

It's for myself really, but also in case there is someone out there who wants to read the day-to-day guts and glory of an ordinary/extraordinary life of one of those sorts of people who take such a crazy thing on.

So. In my nakedness I'll just tell you that tonight in yoga, in shavasina, when Dee (the instructor) came around and gave us a brief neck and shoulder massage I started crying.

The tears just rolled down my face as I grieved for the past weeks that I've been utterly out of body, stressed, pressured, and pushing myself insanely hard.

This year I allowed the time pressure and stress to be an excuse to not take time for myself.

To not run, to not go to yoga, to not take time to settle, to not eat mindfully, to drink more than is healthy for me.

Stress and time pressure triggers excuses to not exercise, and not exercising triggers stress.

Damn vicious cycle!

But I need to remember, well, I don't really forget but I need to force myself to Take. The. Time.

And do it, no matter what.

Even in one day I am coming home to myself.

What a relief!

HUGE relief!

2011-02-07T19:43:00.000-08:00

and the first hurdle cleared!

3 pallets were loaded, packed, shrink-wrapped, labeled, and labeled again, and again--you see, I have bad memories of an entire show shipment having been forgotten by the shipping company on a loading dock only halfway to the show a few years ago... "sorry ma'am, it's not OUR responsibility" (?!?! then whose responsibility is it? You're the ones I paid over $5000 plus a "time sensitive" rider to...????!)

Sigh. But that's a different story, and in the past, and all done now, thank you very much.

But in the PRESENT time:

the shipment is on it's way to The Show in Philly.

Whew! I felt such a huge relief I had little bubbles of happy in my belly.

I packed the last of the new pieces this morning, still warm from the last minute speed-drying of the paint (yes, in the kitchen oven... the things we do...).

Once we finished (R. and C. came in early) I took us to lunch, and some good bloody mary's, and then home, where I took a nap, woke to sign the bill of lading papers when the truck got here, finished all my reservations for flight and train to NYC where I get to spend a couple days with my dear friend after the show, ordered some supplies I'll need to be delivered to the hotel, and then...

fell asleep on the couch for nap number 2.

And now I woke up just in time to go to bed. Yes, I know it's only 8, but the tiredness of the past days and days has taken over my entire being now that I'm letting go of the adrenalin that kept me going.

I still don't really have any idea of the new line. It went so fast I never got the opportunity to look at all the pieces in peace and quiet. But my gut tells me there are some really lovely pieces there.

It's weird to not even be able to visualize them, that's how much I'm in the dark about it.

This week I'll make some small versions of the new work, a few missing pieces from the other lines, tidy my ridiculously filthy home/factory, do laundry (well, yeah, it's been a while), actually cook something and sit down while eating (deli food, eaten over the sink right out of the container or while on the go lately, I'm sorry to admit), make my catalog for the year, schedule housecleaners to make home a place to look forward to coming home to, figure out the schedule for kitty-care, prep some work for T. to do while I'm gone (if she decides to come back from her vacation Hawaii, and that's a big if, based on the photos, texts, e-mails I've gotten. All on a theme of: "I don't miss Seattle"...). Pack. Get back to running and yoga....

oh yeah, and sanity.

That is a TOTALLY do-able list! I could do it in my sleep, but after my much sleeping today and tonight I suspect I'll be able to do it awake.

SO delicious to have a do-able list to look forward to this week.

yawn.

good night!

tired, and...

2011-02-05T00:28:00.000-08:00

utterly unable to see or even really feel if what I have been working to birth will actually be born, or... well, maybe a false pregnancy of sorts.

I really don't know.

I have confidence in my "old" work, confidence in some of the new pieces, and little nudges of what might still be in the gestation realm.

But I'm essentially sightless at this point.

Working on momentum, and with a sort of tiredness and over-stimulation that will lead either to a breakthrough, a disappointment, or simply "good enough".

Or maybe I'll be utterly surprised and it will thrill me when I get it all set up and lighted at The Show.

Thanks to my spectacularly talented assistants, some breakthrough HAS occurred in the past 24 hours.

But I'm really too tired to see clearly if it is ... well ... enough to sufficiently differentiate the new from the old.

I have some new ideas to work on this weekend.

And then it's shipping time.

And then in the next week I need to make my catalog, arrange my crew for Philly, book my flight, and...

maybe,

just maybe,

come up with something that will elevate the new attempts to the level of confidence and real pride of presentation.

And then pay the big bucks to bring it as excess baggage on the flight.

I wish I had blogged this process the past two years, so that I could be reminded that these are all normal and predictable feelings at this stage.

But I am blogging it now, and next year I'll re-read it and be reminded.

And hopefully soothed.

Although I had intended to be in bed by 10 tonight, making all the masks and applying them took longer than I had expected.

As everything always does.

But, I'll be asleep by 1:00, and that's something!

Goodnight.

and now,

2011-02-03T07:33:00.001-08:00

for a little respite from my trials and tribulations in this creative phase:

go read what my assistant Premium T. writes about a hilarious moment during a day here at work!

a little breakdown

2011-02-02T11:11:00.000-08:00

I've had a crying morning, disappointed. I have a few nice pieces, and something that crept around the corner of my vision that is simple and beautiful which I will expand upon. But no real new line. Not yet. Probably I'll be going with expansions of my other lines, and see how the "sneaker line" plays out. Odd, how sometimes the best things sneak up while I'm working on something else. Sometimes the best things. So we'll see.

My crew is cheering me on with confidence and fervent encouragement.

This is just one of those inevitable waves.

I've been working so hard; pushing, pushing, pushing.

Pushing too hard, under the pressure of having lost too much time at the beginning to allow the breathing room, silent room, empty room in which to let something grow more in it's own time.

So today I am culling.

There are some absolute "yes's", some absolute "no's" , some maybe's. The maybe's are the hardest.

So I'm going with the absolute yes's today, and the sneaker line (which I'm actually going to call the whisper line when it's done).

Then, I'll look into the maybe's.

Wish me luck.

The nether zone of

2011-02-01T00:35:00.000-08:00

the in-between.

Ok. I'm in the final days of the new work.

I've had moments of excitement, many moments of frustration.

And now I simply don't know.

I suspect it's not alive.

No really, I think it didn't happen this year.

But I remember feeling the same thing last year.

But the things I thought were really good didn't sell, and the things I wasn't so confident in did.

So.

I really have no idea.

But if I'm honest, (and I really do my best to be so)

I can't help but feel it didn't happen.

But there is still some time.

So I'll keep at it.

I may have to pay The Big Bucks to take some things as extra baggage on the airlines...

if I'm so fortunate as to break through in the final moments, as The Shipping is scheduled at the last possible moment on Monday.

Which is now less than a week away.

Or maybe I have gotten there?

I don't think so.

Not quite.

So.

I'll sleep, look at it fresh in the morning, and T. will come and weigh in, and I will consider, and I will consider again, and again, and again...

and flail about, and sleep again, and then?

Maybe the key will emerge.

I keep thinking of something, something I originally wanted to do but didn't have time (given all the setbacks in the first two weeks of this process), but maybe I can manage to make the time.

We'll see.

Welcome to my world!

And good night.

at it, but not in it yet

2011-01-29T23:30:00.001-08:00

Not bad though. I woke happy.

Three, maybe four days ahead of me in delicious solitude!

Developing, refining, expanding, sizing and consolidating my new work.

In my own head, my own heart, my own space.

I dunno. I used to feel lonely a lot.

But then I filled in all the space with work.

It seemed like a much better plan than waiting, waiting, waiting for...

Some of it has become boring, granted.

In fact I am beginning to realize that a lot of my night work (second shift, as I call it) is getting pretty boring at this point. I realize I need to make some changes. Maybe a bit of a social life?

That's a radical thought.

But the creative phase, that's SOOOO not boring. It's delicious, like cracking through the sugar crust of a pot au creme and lifting the spoon to my lips as I salivate in anticipation.

Yep. It's that good.

Oh, I'm not saying it's not hard. Sometimes it's utter agony on every level: mental, emotional, spiritual. But sometimes it's absolute delight, on all those same levels.

But the luxury of the TIME. The time. The time...

Oh, that is the best. The very best.

And to have a purpose for that (this) time is a reason to be filled with gratitude.

And I am.

Good night!

I was so tired today,

2011-01-26T23:28:00.000-08:00

that I felt cranky and all out of whack.

When I realized I was getting cranky with my wonderful helpers I went upstairs to rest and create a "melinda-free zone" in which they could work without the sharp little spikes that pierce through my own brain into others.

It felt better for me, and for them I'm sure.

Some days it's just like that.

And sometimes, even while I feel drowned by my own brain, others are gut punched by their own lives.

Kinda puts things into perspective, eh?

Life.

We've just gotta learn to surf, don't we?

Big waves, small ones.

It's all a dance.

May the music play well for you, for all of us, as often as possible.

Good night!

working hard...

2011-01-25T23:56:00.000-08:00

...and working very long hours, very diligently.

Trying to finish the representative samples of the regular lines so that I can have a few days to finish development of the new line(s).

And then call my great crew back to produce the samples to present at the show.

Arranged shipping today ($5000+), electricity for my booth ($300+), already got my hotel reservations ($1500=/-). Already paid the booth fee ($3800).

Need to buy my airline ticket, figure out where (for the next couple of months until the (hopefully!) massive number of orders start shipping and paying) the mortgage, insurance, and the money to pay my helpers (and all the other bills we all have) comes from. Thank goodness for a loan from my dear friend.

We are on track (barely, but with... tentative... confidence) to have it all done in the nick of time.

And I think the new work will be fabulous.

Or at least, the very least, good.

In fact, I've had little flutters of excitement that the collection in my booth this year might be the best ever.

This is the nitty-gritty of being a self-employed-single-artist-type-with-a-mortgage.

In a very tough economy.

It's not so pretty, or even (contrary to what I sometimes jokingly claim) glamorous.

But it's my life, and dammit, and I love it.

Good Night!

nice day

2011-01-24T22:34:00.000-08:00

I woke fairly early for me, after not staying up too late.

Got busy, my crew arrived, I went for a run (two days in a row. Damn, it's so hard to get back into the routine, once I've let it go...). I feel SOOOOO much better when I do, and it really pisses me off that I let the "other" me take charge sometimes, and then I feel so much worse. I know this stuff inside and out. Really. But knowing is not the same as doing. Not at all.

Got home, worked while laughing and being clever and silly with T. and Rachel all day.

Nice.

Got an e-mail from one member of my team that I found through Craig's List 2 years ago to help set up and tear down my booth in Philly. Wanted to know if I could use help again. Wow! they are the BEST crew, and I really hope they will all be available again. I can't believe how lucky I was to find such a good group. Good helpers, and amazing people! I am so touched and grateful for the connection.

Then went to dinner at my (wonderful) brother's (+) and had a lovely time.

Now home, started to work, and then decided: "hey, why not an early night again? I'll wake up all fresh and ready for another very busy day."

So that's what I will do.

Good night!

nothing of note

2011-01-22T00:54:00.000-08:00

Working very late to try to finish production of the "regular lines" fast so that I can get back to work on the new lines.

I'll be asleep by 1:45 I project.

My helpers come in the morning at 10. I'll likely still be in my jammies.

It's pretty intense, and then again, just the usual.

Thinking about "stuff" as I work.

Not just ideas for the new work, not just the swirling reminders to myself like: "order more velcro, don't forget to make price cards this year, order more customer cards, do I still have my order clipboard? Oh yeah, we need samples of (this and that) of the new shapes, oh year, there are still some new shapes that haven't arrived yet so I have to remember to fit them in the the collection when they get here, oh yeah, don't forget you still need to book your flight and make a reservation for an extra night at the hotel, and, oh, you'd better contact your Philly crew so you can post something on Craigs List once you know how many people you need, and how would it look to do a willow vine with tiny blossoms in the delicate line? (and and and...)..."

And then there are other things I think about:

Like: am I going to be working this many hours, this late into the night, for another year?

Not that I don't like doing my work.

But: this many hours, every day, every night, for another year?

I dunno.

But I'm opening my (inner) doors for ideas.

But now is not the time for existential ponderings.

Now is the time to work toward another year of relative job security, such that it is. With the gratefulness that comes with (relative) job security in times like these. In a job I love, in a work environment that I love and am proud to share with my helpers.

But RIGHT now, it's time for sleep.

Good night!

back in production

2011-01-20T22:40:00.000-08:00

All the crew were here today, back at full throttle.

A little overwhelming given my past weeks of mostly solitude, but also good. Good to know I have help, good help, and although my brain is so full of millions of strands of things I need to attend to in order to be ready for The Show, I have help, and it will be done.

The new line is temporarily on hold while we get the other work well on it's way. Then I'll return to it. It still needs quite a lot of attention. But if the production of the current lines get completed quickly I will have the attention to give it.

I'm tired tonight, so bed early.

Sleep well!

Yes!

2011-01-20T00:14:00.000-08:00

Woke up this morning, dismayed.

Then looked.

Looked some more.

Thought... huh, maybe a different approach to the color?

Immediately (jammies still on, coffee only half finished) got out the pallet and dabbed fingers in and worked away at it.

Yes!

The new line is indeed born!

T. came in for work today and confirmed. It's been born. After so long in solitary process I lose perspective, and at this point am ready for, and need someone outside myself to see and respond to it.

Still lots of development to do, and certainly a bunch of refinement.

Then some consolidation of the line, clarifying it's distinction from the other lines in my work, but it's been born.

The rest will be mostly pleasure.

That was, once again, a long haul.

And one hell of a ride!

Now I'm stepping back for a couple of days to make samples of my previous lines for The Show. My whole crew (T., Connie, and Rachel) come back to work tomorrow morning and I need to have some actual production for them to work on.

The past 2-3 weeks have been all about me flailing about here by myself in my obsessed and anxiety-ridden creative retreat.

I'll still be needing more of that time, but I also need to have a representative collection of all of my lines for The Show.

If you have been reading this blog recently you will have gotten the impression it's quite a love/hate relationship. I really do love it, bun damn, It is sooooooo hard.

I think there is tons for me to learn about how to make it less anxiety-ridden, but for that, at least in my current stage of evolution, I need the luxury of time to explore and be able to attend to the process with a subtle eye, ear, and energetic sensibility. This time was weighed down with a panic of time pressure.

No matter. It's always a process from which I learn.

aaaahhhhhhh....., that's the Big Sigh of relief you are hearing.

Good night!

progress,

2011-01-18T22:54:00.000-08:00

maybe.

I'll have more of an idea in the morning, in the light.

I tried some stuff out on actual vessels today.

Some I like, some I don't, some have potential.

But the potential part is good. It can lead me somewhere.

And that's the thing, isn't it?

Potential.

A little peek through the curtain, a tiny animal path revealed in the woods, a little glimmer.

I think, now that I have at least 2 or three new strong contenders, that I can begin to relax and settle and pay attention to those subtle signs.

I've been a more than a little crazy-stressed here lately, and couldn't settle down enough into a quiet place to hear those little whispers, follow the subtle signs.

I think, maybe, just maybe, I can a little bit now.

That's a nice thought to go to sleep with, and so I shall.

Good night!

my new work...

2011-01-17T22:28:00.000-08:00

still stinks.

But if, NO! WHEN! (she says confidently) I break through I will post some photos of the start to finish process.

I have taken photos of most every day's progress to send to my helpers.

They have been polite.

And I appreciate that.

There's something in there,

but it ain't out yet.

I have a love/hate relationship with time pressure.

Without it, I could stay in the pondering, thinking, imagining phase for... ever.

With too tight a time constraint I feel so pressured I can't give myself the time and space to go as deep and far as I want.

And I am living here, closer to the latter, but glad I'm not adrift in the former.

And so it is this day, the what? The 17th of January?

Aw shit.

Tic tock tick tock tick tock....

An interesting thing to me:

When I am exposing the photo-sensitive mask to the UV light for 25 seconds, those 25 seconds seem to go by so very slowly.

And yet, the days, months, years all pass so quickly.

Much more quickly than those 25 seconds it seems.

What's up with that?

Good night.

Never underestimate..

2011-01-16T23:31:00.000-08:00

..the value of a good night's sleep.

I woke up this morning, drank my coffee, and assessed my messy, disappointing work.

And then came up with some ideas to improve it, to solve some of the things that weren't working for me.

And made progress!

I am getting closer, but have blown through 100 transparencies, ordered more last week when I realized what was happening but I will have to see what the estimated delivery time is in the morning, as if they aren't scheduled to be delivered by tomorrow I'll need to order some to be shipped next day, at more $$$$, because:

I'm under deadline!

I am happy to finally be in the thick of it.

It's miserable, exciting, scary, hopeful, and... very alive.

And I'm in labor apparently.

I hope I give birth to something wonderful, although this is where the metaphor ends, as actual children are all utterly lovable.

But what I'm doing, well, the fruits of my labor must be an expression of me, and a delight to others. And soon.

No pressure. Nope, none at all.

So I'm hoping a good night of sleep helps take the process another step further.

And I wish YOU ALL good night.

(Oh, and remind me to write about happiness and Bhutan and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. I really, really want to write about this but I don't have the brain or focus for it right now.)

arrghhh

2011-01-15T23:13:00.000-08:00

and that's all, really.

But since I've started, I may as well continue.

Nothing is as I had hoped. I think everything I was excited about stinks and I won't be able to break through and and and...

and I guess that's just the way it is at this stage.

It seems that I have always gone through this phase, but I have only a very few days left so this stage should please move quickly into the next stage, ok?

Yikes!

I'm going to sleep now to see if I have any muse visitations in dreamland.

Because being awake isn't helping.

Good night.

it's good!

2011-01-15T00:08:00.000-08:00

First: my big kitten is better! He nipped me on the nose this morning to wake me up and has eaten and played and started attacking me again and being the adorable nuisance I love.

And then there's work: Progress! I sandblasted the first big trial run of new designs. I'm waiting until I'm fresh in the morning to start playing with the color. Then I'll actually know what the potential is.

So while waiting for morning, I've been making serious progress in photoshop.

Resizing, compressing, expanding, taking images apart and putting them back together with sizes and shapes of vessels in mind.

ooooo, I do love learning new things!

It's a brand new tool for me, and is already proving very useful.

Which begs the question:

How much of creativity is finding a tool to do what one envisions, versus finding a tool (or a material or technique) and considering what one could use it for?

I have to admit, materials inspire me a lot. I love thinking about what I could do with them.

But my work always has a certain quality, no matter what it is (and I've done many, many things, not just in the visual arena).

I'd love to ponder that and write more about it. But as I've been noticing, words are not where I am these days.

I have no doubt they will come back, as I really love to write stuff.

So:

I'd like to hear from you! For you, in your creativity, your art, where do you start? How do you experience the relative importance
of materials/tools versus a (perhaps) more "pure" creative impulse for which you then seek out the tools/materials?

Curious.

Good night.

I get to play with color in the morning!

Woo hoo!

and still,

2011-01-13T22:53:00.000-08:00

more of the same.

I'm working!

Who would have thought that working (while not boring) would be so boring when I try to talk about it?

It's full of details right now. Just details.

The boring stuff that doesn't matter, and yet matters ever so much to the end product.

There's the glance or a glimmer, an idea, the percolating, the considering, the more considering, the pondering, the letting go and letting it be, the wondering if there is something to be,

(and more of that sort of thing)

And then there are the experiments.

They are FULL of details.

Techniques, trial and error, ups and downs, yes's and no's, many, many maybe's,

second and third and sixty-fifth thoughts.

And of course the "technical difficulties" of a computer that is not up to the task, and losing 2 weeks of time in an attempt to avoid the unavoidable expense.

No to mention (although I will certainly mention it), I am burning through materials (ie. money) as if they cost nothing. Hanging back, not wanting to waste the precious, expensive stuff. But the experiments must happen, the tests, the re-tests. Cost be damned! It's really the only way...

Details.

But I like it.

I love it, actually.

It's not "fun" in the way one usually thinks of fun.

But it is engaging; like solving a puzzle or climbing in a cave or, well, digging a ditch.

But there's not much to talk about.

My kitty is sick, second visit to the vet. today, more antibiotics. He's young and sturdy and I think he'll be fine, but I'm sorry for him. He's doing nothing but sleeping and I'm actually missing him munching on my ankles and trying to take me down like a football player. I never thought I'd say that.

It's interesting.

I have more to say about the creative process when I'm not in the middle of it.

I wonder what that means?

So again, good night!

OH! and by the way, a wonderful writer & blogger featured my work on her blog today. If you read her blog I think you'll find her thoughtful, perceptive, and very articulate. She is a new discovery for me, go treat yourselves!

oh dear,

2011-01-13T00:09:00.000-08:00

my posts are utterly repetitive these days, with nothing insightful or lovely.

It's because (at least I think it is!) I am deep in the trenches. I am working.

Sitting at the computer all day, which is something I've never done.

I'm working with a collection of photographs I've taken over the past year, with this project in mind.

And between learning Photoshop (no small feat for my impatient mind) and The Computer Issues of the past 2 weeks...

well, I'm waaayyyyy behind.

But! I think some good stuff is coming.

I'll do some testing on actual glass tomorrow, and know more.

But I sense it's gong to work.

I wish I had more time I wish I had more time I wish I had more time...

I'm grateful for all the time I have!

Good night, from my trench.

good day today!

2011-01-11T23:44:00.000-08:00

T. came in and got some stuff finished and shipped out (money to cover the overdraft!).

We are nearly done with the little in-between orders.

I will get back to (well, actually get started in) my creative retreat after tomorrow.

Lots to do, little time.

My new computer and printer and hard drive and keyboard and trackpad are working GREAT!

Photoshop actually works on this computer, and contrary to what the experts said, it really did not work on the other one. At all.

AND I'm gloating to say: it was not user-error.

I've started working in earnest.

And...

It's snowing in Seattle, and that makes me happy too.

And I'm more tired than usual and will be in bed before midnight for a change.

Not such exciting or interesting posts these days, but such is the glamorous life of an artist-type. I'm diving into the thick of it.

Finally!

Goodnight.

happy girl!

2011-01-10T19:23:00.000-08:00

New computer, new printer, new back-up hard drive.

Broke (a little over-drawn unfortunately, but made a deposit today).

Haven't tested it on photoshop (have to buy a new copy as the license has been used up..luckily it's just elements and not the big one and costs only $99 instead of what, $800?) but I'll do that tomorrow. At this point $99 seems like small change. Weird how that works...

I am so excited to FINALLY get cookin' in earnest on the new line, I've been champing at the bit (and almost unbearably frustrated, as you know if you've been reading these posts for the last couple weeks).

But that's over! (knock wood).

Yippee!

Phone post!

2011-01-09T23:18:00.000-08:00

Well I'm looking at it as a good thing that I don't have a computer tonight. I gave up and bought a new one today, so the two are in their honeymoon, merging. And should be ready to come home where we can live together in harmony.

I have GREAT hopes that I will be able to dive head first into my process on Tuesday, after my printer gets here. The muses need to move in with me for a while, not just visit.

Still regretting the loss of the past two weeks, but forward is the only place to go.

Can we hope my "technical issues" are past now?

In the meantime, I AM getting some productive work done, which will contribute to paying for the new computer. So.

Goodnight!

testing, testing...

2011-01-09T00:38:00.000-08:00

is this on?

No, that's not really what I mean.

I tested a few things I'm working for my new line today that I had prepped before.

Some promising, some not so much. But that's the process. Process of elimination, process of following.

I'm going to be SO glad when I finally get my computer system working well.

In the meantime, I'm working on RED! It's a small line that we are doing at a great price for my wonderful galleries to offer their customers for Valentines Day.

So I'm breaking my cardinal rule that I don't touch a single thing that is part of my past work during this creative retreat.

But with all the computer nonsense of the past, what? week and a half? two weeks? I am setting the new work aside in order to finish this project. So that,

When I get my new computer, and my replacement printer gets here I can get back to the new stuff uninterrupted.

That's the plan.

I've pretty much decided I have to surrender to getting a new computer. I can't afford it. But I can't afford not to have new work for this next year either. And I did get an unexpected order today that will almost pay for it. And after a new hard drive, a new back-up drive, a new keyboard, dumping tons of stuff off my current computer (a 5 year old MacBook that was the smallest and cheapest at the time I bought it) to free up more memory, shutting down all other programs... Photoshop still won't work without hanging up, quitting without permission, and me losing whatever I'd been working on for the past 15 minutes or 5 hours.

I wanted to limp along with it until the proverbial cash flow was better, but it's not working.

I'm going to get a desktop. They are cheaper, and I have this little laptop for when I travel.

A nice story: the Fed Ex courier (who I gave my (new/old) printer to) checked out this blog and read that the printer he delivered to me was defective and I was stressed about my time crunch. He e-mailed me to tell me I could take the old one back if I needed. Wow. How thoughtful and considerate was that? People are good. And whenever people are good, and kind, and thoughtful it makes me happy, and feel more hope for this world. Thanks Curtis!

So. I guess that's all for now from me, the Very Glamorous Artist, living a Very Glamorous Life!

And so tomorrow is going to be: finishing most of the RED! collection and likely buying a new computer. And leaving this one there overnight so they can transfer all the data so I don't mess it up and need to make yet another trip to the store. Is it 11 trips now, or or is it my 12th?

Who cares. It's better to think forward, and just deal with the bumps in the road as they come up.

And now, once again, it's off to dreamland.

I'll share more of my glamorous life tomorrow I suspect.

In the meantime: ride those waves, baby!

setback..

2011-01-07T21:25:00.000-08:00

yeah, again.

So. I ordered a new printer from Amazon (prime! 2 day shipping for free!). I needed it because my new/old one wouldn't print the size transparencies I need and, well, Kinko's won't let me print transparencies anymore because someone caused a lot of damage doing that in the past.

It came today, I asked the Fed Ex guy if he wanted my old one for free. He said he'd think about it. One moment later he was back. "Really? Free?"

"Yeah, but I'd like it if you'd buy all the ink cartridges I have for it."

He had no cash, but said he'd bring it to me next time he was by. I trust him.

So.

I took my time, unpacked the new one, got it set up on my desk, read the instructions (yes, in spite of my history of not doing so...) did everything right.

But. (yeah, you know what's coming).

So I called tech. support. We went through everything. "Defective, she said."

Ok. So I need a new one, right away.

"We'll get it out to you right away, it will take 7-10 business days."

I don't HAVE 7-10 business days!

I called Amazon. They were great. But I won't get it until Tuesday afternoon.

(clenched belly)

The Amazon-India division guy said: "I'm e-mailing you a return authorization, just print it out and give it to the driver when he bring you the new one."

Me: "Uh. I don't have a printer."

Oh well. We worked that part out. But I still don't have a printer until Tuesday afternoon.

So. A stress relieving run, and I made another strategy to continue to be relatively productive until I get the printer on Tuesday afternoon.

You see, the new work I'm exploring really needs not only a functioning computer but a large format printer. I need to run a lot of tests to see if I'm even on a good track.

What's up with all this computer nonsense?

My assistant T. says it's poltergeists.

I'm inclined to believe her.

Well,

2011-01-06T23:41:00.001-08:00

I know you've all been on pins and needles waiting to see if I honored my commitment to run today. (All one of you! ha!)

Yes! I did. And I felt MUCH better after.

It was a pretty successful day. I think I made real progress. I won't know until tomorrow. Who knows? It could be Walmart all over again.

But I KNOW I made progress in the learning of Photoshop. I managed to do things I had pretty much given up on learning. I didn't even think it could be done. Yippee!

I ordered a new printer. Anyone need an almost new one that is great but doesn't print the sizes I need?

At this point in my process I can't see how I'll possibly have developed and refined the techniques I'm working on in time to present them at The Show. Let alone have created some dazzling new work with them.

But I try to remember I always feel this way.

So I keep breathing and working away, and try to trust that everything is unfolding as it should.

And somehow, I always manage to pull it off.

I'm in the first third of the process I sense.

So I have to keep going, one step at a time.

Boy-oh-boy, I hope my history of always managing to pull it off repeats itself this year!

And now, in preparation for another day, I'm going to bed.

Not 2 am like last night.

But at midnight, or thereabout.

It's more civilized.

Goodnight!

For some reason,

2011-01-05T22:09:00.000-08:00

I can't even remember today!

I know I spent time at Kinkos, finding out that they won't let me make transparencies anymore because some other customer caused expensive damage to one of their copiers doing that. And they won't even do it for me on their behind-the-counter machines.

Huh.

What I'm doing right now depends on good, dense black transparencies. And I need them to be at least 8.5x14 inches, which doesn't work on my current printer.

Researching printers. They aren't terribly expensive (certainly compared to the order I just placed with Dick Blick, which should earn me free shipping for life).

And then there's Photoshop. I'm actually getting better at it every day but there is SOOO much to learn, and why-oh-why did I not start learning this before I NEEDED it for this process??? (oh, right, because I was busy filling orders... never mind).

I felt all manic-racing-nothing-was-happening-fast-enough-for-me all day.

Oh yeah, I also placed orders for new materials, samples, and for stuff I'd run out of and need for The Show. That took quite a bit of time too. Not to mention money.

And still, didn't go running. My sprained ankle is becoming (if I'm being honest) a poor excuse.

Can I use you to be accountable here? For tomorrow? Either running or yoga, or both, if I want to feel a whole lot better.

Ok?

I'll report in tomorrow.

And the best thing of all, by far: a very dear friend agreed to lend me the money to do The Show. I tried so hard to have enough set aside this year to do it without being in debt when I get back but alas, not this year. That disappointment pales in comparison with the anxiety that was growing in my belly about affording everything though. The Show is VERY expensive for someone with a lot to ship from the west coast. It's expensive anyway, but add on $5500 shipping... Well, you get my point. I hadn't realized that I had stopped breathing a few days ago from my financial worries. I've been breathing again this evening! Thank you so much, and you know who you are. xoxoxo.

Good night, sleep tight, don't let... (oh, we won't talk about them as they seem to be gaining power in the world and I don't want them to think they are welcome here...)

So, just sleep tight!

finally!

2011-01-04T23:50:00.000-08:00

It's been frustrating.

I cried last night from the sadness of having lost a week of my precious retreat time to the nonsense of computer issues.

The sprained ankle was a mere inconvenience.

This time is so rare and precious (not to mention my business depends on it) that I felt real grief losing a chunk of it.

But things happen as they will. It's our job to surf the waves, eh?

But now, finally I'm on the (REAL, ha!) roller coaster!

It's a ride.

Excitement! What I'm doing is working! It's gorgeous! I'm so happy!

Oh. It isn't very good at all. It doesn't look anything like I imagined. It looks like Walmart.

Well, ok. Every year it's like this, and you always manage to journey through the tunnel into something new and good, so dig in, and keep going.

And that's where I am right now.

Assessing.

And the best way, now, at midnight, is to go to sleep and look with fresh eyes in the morning.

Good night!

progress!

2011-01-03T10:44:00.000-08:00

(I think).

I'll know more later.

But I DO know this: I am LOVING my solitary retreat this year. Loving it. It reminds me of when I first started this whole thing: waking up every morning excited to face the unknown, the fact that I had The Whole Day to do nothing but work. No place to go, no place to be, no one to talk to...

Things have changed for the better in (nearly) every respect. I love the fact that things ARE really working these days, I adore my helpers (will you see me as a total loser if I tell you they constitute most of my social life?), I am SO grateful to not have to do everything myself, store every little thing in my brain myself, feel that I need to do seventeen different things all at the same time, and to have to endure the feeling (and the reality) of being out of control every single moment. To know that nothing was getting done well, as I couldn't attend to anything fully.

But this time, right now, brings back the best part of those days. It's the only part of "the olden days" that I miss. Although the very fact of it's scarcity is likely one reason it feels so precious.

And I'm relishing it.

small set-back

2011-01-01T09:18:00.000-08:00

Well, small in the grand scheme of things but quite frustrating in present time. I had big computer problems throughout the past week. I started learning Photoshop Elements as a tool at the core of the new work I am wanting to explore. Things got tweaky and wouldn't behave properly even with loading the program so I knew it wasn't operator error. Suffice to say, after 7 trips to the Genius Bar at the Apple store (and yes, not only are they genius's but friendly, kind, patient and relentlessly helpful) I got a new hard drive installed. Then I couldn't retrieve any (any!) data from my external drive (which, after making the mistake of not backing up WAY too many times I now back up every week). Quite a lot of anxiety there, I must say. My entire mailing list (collected over years), all my financials (which I've been paying a bookkeeper to enter each week), all my photos; the professional ones I use to apply for shows, my catalog, etc., the photos I've collected all year for this new work AND of course personal photos. Music I was less concerned about as I have it on my iPod.

And then I sprained my ankle and it got really big and purple.

But it's all better now! I got my data back yesterday (one more trip to the genius bar in the next couple days as my back-up disk is not accepting more data), my ankle should be ready for running and yoga within a week if I keep up the RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation), and

I felt such relief yesterday that I was grinning at strangers!

I lost a week of my creative time, but what's gone is gone.

Now it's time to dig in.

I've made my first inroads with Photoshop Elements. And I've become aware of just How Many Options there are, and how many ways to use them, and how many ways to try to get to what I want. Yikes. So I have selected a few techniques I want to learn, and once I figure those out I am going to jot step-by-step notes as to how I did it, and, (note to self!) test my idea on some actual glass before I spend all my precious time lost in the virtual possibilities.

2010 kicked me in the ass here at the end, but I like thinking it just was mad it had to leave. I think fondly of the past year, and thank it for it's goodness.

And I welcome the blank slate of 2011 with open arms!

the roller-coaster ride begins

2010-12-28T22:08:00.000-08:00

So. The year has ended. The production flurry/frenzy is done for the year. It's been a FINE year! And VERY busy.

(one key to surviving this recession as a self-employed artist is low price point, in other words: work a LOT to just pay the bills. And truly, I'm glad to be surviving and paying my mortgage, health insurance, good food and liquor (!) and helpers!).

Now it's time to start fresh.

I am entering my creative retreat here at my home/studio/factory, but none of the usual activity. I don't allow myself to touch anything from past lines and I challenge myself to come up with at least one entirely new line. It needs to bridge something I am drawn to, like being drawn to a glimmer in the night, or a moment of "oh!". And it needs to be not just something like that, something that thrills and pleases me, but also something that will please many people AND that can be produced (and reproduced more or less) at a reasonable (time and materials) cost.

So now I start. I am thinking I will journal this process as I can never remember all the steps and stages I go through each year this time. And I'd like to have a reminder so that I can reassure myself that it's normal, what I'm going through!

Today, I've been trying to learn Photoshop, and have been thwarted at every turn by computer issues. I was very excited by a newish idea, all revved up to dig into it, but alas, I have to wait until Thursday to get my disks back from someone I lent them to. I have been very agitated at the disruption of my momentum but I will try to experiment instead with some new techniques and materials tomorrow--just to see what they might offer me.

It's the familiar blank canvas anxiety. It's wonderful and terrible both. I think mostly wonderful. But terrifying as well, because the pressure (and yes, my survival in this business depends on it) and time crunch (because The Big Show is coming up) is stalking me.

So I'm going to journal it. For myself. But I've always wanted to hear how others approach these challenges, so I'll write them out here in case there are some like me who have searched for descriptions of others experience in this process as well.

Stay tuned! It's as much a mystery to me as it may be to you...

surprise!

2010-10-26T10:42:00.000-07:00

Yes, this appears to be a post.

No good explanation for the lack of posting in the past 2 months. Mute? Busy? Not in the mood? Nothing new to write? Lazy?

Yeah, probably some of all.

But here I am.

I'm on VACATION (of sorts) and I brought lots of work to do while here. Alas, I've been more vacant than not, but let me tell you, it is pretty darn wonderful. (click to enlarge, it's worth it).

I'm on the Oregon coast, one of my very favorite places in the world. For a week. With windows looking out on the beach mere steps (like...20?) away from the glorious sand, waves, stretched out patterns of foam, drawings of black and brown and cream that the waves make moment to moment. It's seriously stormy here: enormous winds, torrential rains, hail, thunder, lightening, sun, and crashing, exploding waves. I couldn't ask for more.

I woke up early this morning, just before dawn, grabbed a blanket and came out to the couch to doze and be here as the light seeped in through the storm. I don't want to miss a moment.

My time is spent staring at the waves out the window for hours, holding a book in my lap. I can't seem to tear my eyes off the waves though. Several long walks each day, and a long run along the tide line. Back in to the fire, and... well, another nap, reading, staring. I HAVE done a little work, and intend to do more. But we'll see. I presented photos of my work to a gallery here and although interested, they do only consignment, and I can't do that. We'll see. A new owner is taking over this winter and it may work out. So you see? It is a work trip!

Besides production, I brought my new copy of Photoshop Elements, along with a "how to" book, intending to finally learn it after multiple people have insisted it would be very useful in my work. So far I've loaded it into the computer, and read the first few pages of how to proceed. TODAY! (She says with determination).

I'll let you know.

But now the tide is rising, and I am going to go out for my run, before I have the excuse not to. I'll tell more stories later!

weekend!

2010-08-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

I have needed a weekend like this for weeks. And weeks.

Quiet.

Run to yoga, yoga, run home.

Shower.

Eat.

1 1/2 hour nap with no alarm.

Work.

Cook a little.

Work.

Quiet.

Quiet.

Quiet.

I can feel myself recharging.

Finally.

gulibility?

2010-07-27T20:09:00.000-07:00

Once, when I was in middle school, some kids told me I was gullible. And I believed them.

No really, that's a true story. And I didn't get the joke until a number of years later. Perhaps when I learned what the word meant.

At any rate, today as a part of my post-show recovery efforts (I'll post stories about the show in the next day or two, I'm still recovering) I was doing stuff that had been set aside in the frenzy. Paying bills, ordering a replacement toilet (on AMAZON, of all things...) and trying to deal with my printer that quit printing a couple weeks ago. It is quite new, so I went onto the Canon website to log into technical support. The Canon support site offered a choice of what I'd be willing to pay for on-line tech.support. What? Well duh. $18 seems better than $36 or $56. Why would I choose to pay more for the same thing?

We joked a little that I'd get a second-grader for $18, a 15yo for $36 and maybe a high school guy for the big bucks...

And the following is a partial transcript of the exchange. Before the guy suddenly "went offline":
_______
Robert Preston says:
3:47 PM
Hello
3:47 PM

If the error is still there, then there's something in the machine still you aren't seeing.

Unplug it completely from all cables

Lift it up, turn it upside down and shake it a bit to see if anything comes loose.

Check the rear access and front access using a flashlight to look for any tiny paper scraps or anything else that could be hard to see.

Try forcing a very thick piece of paper into the rollers to see if it dislodges anything.

Finally try using a dampened lint free cloth to clean the rollers in the printer.

See if that works... if not, most likely you damaged the feed roller while removing the jam and it's either loose or would have to be replaced to fix the problem.

Melinda says:
3:51 PM
Well, I did as you suggested and several pieces of the printer fell out and I have no idea where they fit.
3:51 PM
We are laughing here.
Robert Preston says:
3:53 PM
Wow. They fell out?
3:53 PM
Is it a roller?
3:53 PM
If so, that would explain why the paper kept jamming...
Melinda says:
3:56 PM
Well, no. It's 3 pieces, at least one or two of them go with the back feed tray, but I can't tell exactly how it goes back, although given time I could probably make some headway...
_____
And then I got a message that Robert Preston was offline, and someone else would be with me promptly.
Yeah, right.
I couldn't figure out how to get my money back.

I decided it was cheaper to simply order a new printer.

And I am buying the same one again, simply because I have a drawer full of ink cartridges for that printer and they cost a gazzillion times more than the printer itself.

I'm wondering about that gullibility thing.

waiting for paint to dry..

2010-07-22T00:18:00.001-07:00

..and then I can go to bed.

I am exhausted.

That's normal, before a show.

Especially when we kept shipping out the work we made for the show, because galleries were "desperate".

That's a good thing.

My amazing crew makes me feel and believe in the world as a place of love, kindness, community.. and many more warm and full things that I am too tired to articulate just now.

The truck is packed.

Set-up at 8 am.

I will tell stories of the past few amazing days after the show.

But for now: I'm calling the paint dry and going to bed.

After all, I AM the boss...

And I should be able to tell the paint when it should be dry, no?

countdown

2010-07-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

4 days until show opens.

Today and half of tomorrow to finish production.

I'm working like a machine, with the human frailty of exhaustion.

All helpers are working really hard and well.

Beautiful work is being made.

Come to the Bellevue Arts Festival this weekend!

6 days

2010-07-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

I'm already tired.

6 days until we pack the truck, and so much to still get done.

It WILL happen.

We will just get done what we can get done.

And that will be good.

10 days

2010-07-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

the countdown is ON!

The Bellevue show has to be set up in 11 days.

Available inventory is, shall we say, a bit sparse?

But we have 10 days.

Extra help is coming in, I am resigned to doing nothing else between now and then.

Well, a bit of exercise must be done for the sake of stress management.

And then I have a hair appt. for the first time in 7 months.

And I DO have to sleep.

But the only way to unwind the tightening knot in my gut is to "go dog go" and work.

It will be done, and it will be done well, and the work will be gorgeous.

We always pull it off.

It's just... thinking about it is a bit overwhelming.

So I'll quit thinking, and simply...

Go dog go!

today, in studio hijinx

2010-07-09T22:16:00.000-07:00

What follows is a perfect plethora of profoundly poignant and private pictures of my peculiar and professional producers of pointillist products (presented and performed in positively no particular order, but perhaps they should have been) (And T. is personally to blame for the preponderance of P's in the previous proclamations):
Rachel and T, squaring off over who gets to tape the next box:

They packed for most of the 92 degree day, so some odd fashion sense should be excused, no?

I really think I deserve better drugs in order to actually live in such disarray. At least there is gin!

I've been bragging about my gaspacho for so long it was a little unnerving to finally present it, but everyone agreed it's the bomb:

It's hot for us these days here in Seattle. And we are all middle aged women. Do the math. I have 6 fans in my living room/factory. And my personal fan (that gets turned on and off at odd moments throughout days even when it is cold) was adorned (by Rachel, the minx) such that it sticks it's tongue out at me on a regular basis. Do you think that means something?

We have to get a large piece ready for the auction at the Tacoma Glass Museum. After a full day of packing Rachel told T. to get it away from her as she couldn't be trusted not to throw it inadvertently to the floor. So T. complied:

After a full (hot) day of packing and shipping and painting and dotting and taping and polishing and being served GASPACHO and DRINKS by the BOSS we had a little toast of cukukuktinis. Hey, the job might not pay a lot, but I don't think anyone can complain about the perks!

On one of the liquor boxes we packed glass in for shipping today the following was printed. I'm thinking I should display it in my booth, eh?

tick-tock

2010-07-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

Probably an unconscious avoidance thing, but I had neglected to flip the wall calendar from June to July. Yesterday my assistant did the deed while I wasn't looking and informed me that there are only 2 weeks left before The Bellevue Show. My only public retail show of the year. Usually a big one, and very important for cash flow.

Well.

We are also getting re-orders almost daily. And they all come with plea's for immediate attention--"we are almost out of your work, we really need some more right away!"

It's awesome, and daunting. And wonderful, validating, and reassuring that I still have a job. And that I have work for my mischievous and magnificent helpers.

I tell myself that we've always pulled it off before, we'll do it again.

And there is no time to really figure out how, just time to do, and do, and do...

Production is going better than ever, no small credit to T., who is doing a magnificent job of managing all the production.

I'm cranking it a up few notches, at the expense of my time to exercise. But I refuse to let it all go, I need it. Just for now, it won't be every day. I figure if I get myself up and working a bit earlier I can fit it in. At least a bit.

And forget the idea of a social life for now. Rachel (our newest mischievous bad influence around here, who also does damn fine work) led me astray after work last Friday with martini(s) and a silly walk about the neighborhood. And I credit her with the resultant worthless next day. In other words, not only did I miss Friday night work but much of Saturday was, shall we say, inefficient? Why does a good martini (and fun giggles) beg for a second?.

So that was IT for the socializing for the next couple weeks.

It's me and the grindstone from here on out.
And my nose will be very well exfoliated.

Finally!

2010-06-13T22:50:00.000-07:00

I got the photos of my newest work uploaded onto my Flickr page.

Sheesh.

It didn't take THAT long to remember how to do it, and yet... I just kept putting it off.

So I wrote it on my to-do list for this weekend.

And I actually did it.

Sometimes I amaze myself.

Both because I did something on my list, AND because I procrastinated for so long.

Sigh.

Is it just me, or does procrastination work like gravity? Is ANYONE immune?

(click the link on the right sidebar to get to the page if you'd like to see).

out with the old...

2010-06-12T14:58:00.000-07:00

...and in with the new.

I've been purging my closets, digging deep, being ruthless, and packing up clothes I haven't worn for a while. I've lost a lot of weight, and my artist lifestyle just doesn't have a need for so many cool clothes. I work at home! I don't go out much, AND I just turned 57. That's getting damn close to 60 (yikes) and many of my clothes just seemed to..., well young and flamboyant for me these days. I'm feeling more subtle and quiet now for some reason, and decided to dive into the painful task of purging the old.

And it is painful. I'm a total clothes addict, and very attached to my clothes.

But I did it.

A woman who owns a high-end consignment store in downtown Seattle came by my house just now with her fiancee. I served them some wine, the fiancee brought me some fabulous Fran's sea salt caramels. So we indulged while we went through the boxes. I felt a pang with each piece, but

I was brave!

She took every piece that didn't have a tear or spot that couldn't be cleaned.

Now I will tackle my other stuff. I have two full sets of fine china. One from each grandmother. And a lot more things filling the cupboards in my kitchen. Some pieces of furniture I never use that just fill up space.

Stuff.

Most of it from grandparents who've passed from this world.

I keep it because of them.

But you know? I can remember them without needing their stuff. And my memories ore more beautiful than their treasures.

So the purge will continue.

I need space to re-invent the next phase of my life.

Once the stuff is gone, I look forward to the more internal transformations.

I don't know what they will be, but I feel the transformation stalking me.

It's exciting!

struttin' at 57

2010-06-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

Well I went to sandblast this morning, but alas, the sandblaster I rent is still not working. Barely limping along. I think it's been nearly 2 weeks now. In spite of that we are getting orders shipped, but if it isn't fixed soon I won't likely feel quite so calm about it all.

Then I went to the liquor store. I needed to get a carload of liquor boxes (we use them as inner boxes in our shipments) and I went to the closest one. It happens to be probably the seediest one in the city. Before you even enter the store to buy your mood altering beverage, you can purchase, quite openly, just about any mind-altering substance you might want. Not long ago a woman across the busy street called over to the parking lot: "whatcha got?" A guy yelled back across the street: "oxy, perc, and black!" All very loud.

Huh.

One stop shopping.

Anyway, I was there this afternoon, walking through the parking lot toward the store when I heard someone call out behind me:

"Excuse me! Excuse me! Ma'am?" I turned around. Two middle-aged men sitting in a car. The one in the drivers seat calls out to me: "Ma'am, I don't mean you no disrespect, but I gotta say you WEARIN' them jeans!"

I grinned, gave him a thumbs up, and said "Thank you!"

And I strutted the rest of the day.

For some reason I didn't have as much trouble getting out the door for my run this evening.

Ah, vanity!

My Birthday!

2010-06-10T22:07:00.000-07:00

So, I came home from sandblasting and walked into the house where "you say it's your BIRTHDAY" was blasting, and T., Connie, and Rachel were all dancing and singing along to me. We danced the whole song (it's a long song, I'm pretending I burned all the calories I ate...) and had a magnificent cake (that I ate the most of...) and plum wine (well, I had a lot of that too) and kale salad and polenta (ditto and ditto) and presents and then I got to work the rest of the day surrounded by flowers. Here's the video that Rachel made, for proof. It was awesome!

And here are some stills:
Connie, T. and me

Birthday table:

And Rachel (doing all the filming during the dancing, but she was shakin' it too) and me:

What an awesome crew I get to hang out with every day, eh?
(but I must say, I'm a little nervous that T. might have "the real story" posted on her blog. There is a reason for that. The last time I posted photos of them THIS is what happened.

And yes, I know. I've been gone from here. I dunno why, I just didn't get around to writing. So much to do? Well, that's my excuse anyway. But I'll be better. I promise.

picture my weekend...

2010-05-12T09:03:00.000-07:00

No really, you can picture it! (click if you want to see larger).
My not-son and I went skiing/boarding at Mt. Hood. I am SOOOO glad I've been skiing and doing yoga the past 10 months. My legs actually out-lasted his!

Although I don't do any crazy stuff like jumping off ledges or skiing through trees...

But I do help him get ready for the prom when he can't quite figure out where cufflinks go:

and this is how a country boy gets to the prom (not):

the next morning he cut tons of rhubarb for me:

and then I sat in the sun and cut it up. I love sitting in the sun doing things like that. I made rhubarb sauce. Tons. Anyone want some? Really. I have tons.

and I collected eggs from Brenda. All the Brenda's. All the chickens are named Brenda. For some reason. One finished...

...and time for the next:

and I helped take care of the little duckings, being raised to eat the bugs in the garden. They get a nice swim in the sink every day too...

and there is a whole new crop of Brenda's coming along too!

Cooper is definitely a "go-see-do" dog:

and then I bounced on a trampoline. If I had a trampoline, I'd bounce all the time. It feels so good!

and then he and Cooper showed me how it should be done, with flips and all. I'll just stick with the bouncing, thank you very much!

And then, with more reluctance than I had anticipated, and some tears, I had to leave that lovely nest (well, I'd taken all the eggs anyway):

I had to come home.
I anticipated feeling frantic from not spending the weekend working, but I actually felt delightfully refreshed. Maybe a sign that I should start doing a few things besides working? Hmmmm....

and the week has FLOWN by!

2010-05-07T09:21:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it is Friday already. Wasn't it just Friday yesterday?

I am unplugging a bit from work, believe it or not.

Last night I volunteered for the annual fundraiser for Arts Corps, and I am delighted to report they did very well. It is an incredible non-profit that supports arts education programs for under-served kids. Amazing and inspiring.

And today I am unplugging further: I am driving to Oregon to spend the weekend with my "not-son." I get the opportunity to get him all decked out in his tux for the prom, drive him and his date to dinner, then pick them up & drive them to the prom, then pick them up again after and drive the date home, and then drive the two of us home. Yes, it will be a bit tiring, but how fun!

I am packing toothpicks to prop my eyes open.

The tiring part will be primarily caused by the fact that he & I are planning to ski all day tomorrow before the prom. I haven't skied in at least 3 years, maybe 4? And it is one of those things I passionately love, love, love to do. I am so glad for all the yoga and running I've done in the past months, I have some confidence my body will be able to handle it.

But I still suspect I'll be asleep on the couch waiting for the call at the end of the prom to go pick them up.

And yes, I AM bringing some work with me. You didn't think I would actually NOT WORK for 3 days, did you?

Now: gotta pack, go for my run, and head on out.

Off I go!

my hard-working crew

2010-05-01T13:06:00.000-07:00

I took photos yesterday of my crew, hard at work.
(click to see photos larger)

Here are Rachel (new addition to the team) and T. hard at work at the table:

And Rachel down in the studio dremeling off stubborn bits of enamel left after sandblasting:

She brought me lily of the valley from her yard:

and Leslie, my wonderful, brand new, super organized and responsible bookkeeper, getting the chaos of piles of paper properly corralled and digitized in the office:

And then.
I was surfing some blogs last night before bed and came across The Truth about my team on Premium T.'s blog.
Click HERE to see the Truth about my crew.
When the cat's away...
Oh yeah, some heads will be rolling.

aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2010-04-25T12:45:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning to a golden light creeping through the dark clouds.

Birdsong twinkling in trees all around me.

The air gentle and kind.

Colors soft and scents gentle.

I am grateful for this day.

Yoga this morning, slow with many deep breaths.

And I will roll around luxuriously in the rest of a gentle slow Sunday.

Work, yes, but slowly! Run, yes, but gently! Nap, yes--slowly, deliciously, while weighted down by a 15 pound warm purring kitten on my belly.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, life is just fine.

I'm grateful.

.........

2010-04-24T16:04:00.000-07:00

Exactly.

There is no title, no content, no pithy anything.

Is that ok?

Has to be.

'Cuz see, that's how it is.

music

2010-04-18T10:58:00.000-07:00

I am quite certain that music is the highest art.

Really.

Maybe it's just me, but music has the power from the first moment it bursts into my brain to pick me up and throw me around.

Sometimes it grabs me by my sex.

Sometimes my heart wants to burst.

Sometimes it takes my muscles for it's own.

And sometimes it crawls it's little tentacles into the deep reaches of my brain and massages places I hadn't known existed.

Often I feel it grow so big in me that I would happily burst my skin open if it wanted to get even bigger.

With extended immersion (having played a particular and fairly obscure african music for many years) it changed, utterly, the way my brain works.

It continues to be an absolute mystery how a string of sounds can have such powerful and various effects.

I don't know if others experience music like this, or if perhaps music is simply a pleasant sound for many.

I wonder.

Probably it is something different for every set of ears.

I'm grateful for it's power on me.

musings on passion

2010-04-10T12:47:00.000-07:00

I have been pondering a post in response to a comment made to me by one of my yoga teachers a week or so ago. As I was leaving the studio she asked me what I was planning to do for the weekend. I said "work, but it's just fine. I work all the time and I don't mind". She asked what I do, and I told her I am a self-employed artist. She sighed and said I was so lucky to be able to live my passion.

Yes.

And that is so, so very different than what most people think about it. I believe WHAT I do is important for me in that it is what feels most resonant with my spirit at this time. It has brought me enormous challenges and suffering. It has brought me so much joy.

And everything in-between.

But is that living my passion?

I don't know.

I have now, and in the past, many things I love to do. Many things I feel passionate about.

I take great risks with my life to follow a commitment to live according to the resonance of my spirit, my soul, my being.

That comes at a great price. It's not luck.

And it has nothing (nothing!) to do with simply "doing what feels good!"

In my experience, living according to resonance with my "higher self" (or whatever one might call it) means working much harder for less "worldly" reward than if I were working in a more mainstream realm.

I pay a high price. I have chosen it my very own self. I have no retirement, no paid sick leave or vacations. No security whatsoever. I have to practice staying "in the flow" in order to make things that people want to buy. I don't convince them, I don't "market", I just make things and put them into the world. If people want them, they buy them. My "security" (such that it is) hangs on a thread every moment.

And I have no one to blame if I don't like my job. I cannot claim to be the victim of a bad boss, the victim of not being paid enough, the victim of not being valued.

Something about that feels very clean. There are no smoke or mirrors. No marketing illusions. No manipulation of other people's desires whatsoever.

Clean.

And precarious.

I have NO idea if I have set myself up to be an old, broke and homeless woman.

I wish that weren't a fear.

But I keep choosing and learning to follow the little glimmers of resonance. I keep working on doing it better, with deeper integrity and more skill.

Passion? Yes, I guess it is. But it's also so much more than a word and the simple meaning usually associated with it.

I love it. But I don't necessarily love the "stuff" of it: hours sandblasting, days and days of repetitive work, stress of cash flow (flowing the Wrong Way), having my home be a factory, exhaustion, never completing the list of tasks...

So it's not about "getting to be an artist" in the sense of the daily tasks.

I think it's a mindset. An attitude. A commitment. And a choice to love the moments. To feel grateful.

I think perhaps I've chosen this life because I don't want to be asleep through my life--and this life I've chosen definitely compels me to be awake and deeply alive, or I won't survive in it.

These are all just musings.... I think I need to go for my run and clear all the words out of my head!

And there is still this (see? I told you there were a lot of words!):

This morning my assistant T. posted something on her blog in response to a comment someone made about her job. My comments are related to what I just wrote about above, so I decided to combine them into one post.

If you would, go read her post HERE.

And then my response to her post:

It is strange isn't it? I'll have to write a blog post about it from my perspective as well sometime. But I think it has something to do with the pervasive and habitual belief that it is only if one suffers can it be really called "work."

So often talking about one's job or work becomes a contest to convince the other about how much one suffers. That certainly bleeds over into the perceived reality, and soon is practiced enough so that suffering becomes the very definition of work. If you have the audacity to express enjoyment of your work, you will likely not be taken seriously because "if you are not suffering you are not really working." If you described it all couched in misery you would get more credibility I think.

But then I'd have to fire you.

Not because of you, but because it would infect me. And I have to keep MY mind as clearly focused on the positive and on gratitude as I am able. Otherwise, this ship would sink. In a heartbreak. (I meant to write "in a heartbeat, but heartbreak is probably more apt).

EVERYTHING we do here could be seen as tedious, uncomfortable, physically exhausting, frustrating, etc.

In some ways we can feel lucky that it comes with a title of making "art" so that we have a larger door through which we can walk into the realm of appreciation of all the little parts of it that bring us pleasure, even joy.

We believe that all the little things really count toward the whole, the outcome.

We have daily evidence of that.

Even (or especially?) for me, the "artist", the boss, there is SOOOO much WORK. I have often tried hard to get people to understand that, as they discount my own struggles and exhaustion by saying "well, you are getting to be an artist, so it doesn't count". I could talk about how hard I work, how many hours I spend doing things that are physically harsh, emotionally taxing, and require incredible discipline to keep doing them over and over and over and over...

But if I spend my time thinking that way, I'll start to believe it, and it will steal my joy.

I actually believe that everyone can decide where to focus their attention. To appreciate, to practice gratitude (and yes, I know it's a cliche, but that doesn't make it less powerful).

I think it IS easier in an environment of my own creation, because I can't pretend I am the victim here. No one is making me do all this work. I have no boss, no corporation to blame.

I made the choice, I take all the risks myself, it's all my responsibility, I have no safety net, and I have no one to blame. I'd better make the best of it all, and enjoy every bit I can!

I think it can be easier when one approaches it with the kind of appreciation for the little joys and glimmers, as you do, T. And I KNOW that attitude is worth protecting. Even if it means others will think your work doesn't really count.

Because it's every moment of every day that matter. We can live them with a focus on the discomfort, or on the joy. And what we choose to focus on becomes the reality we experience in each moment.

Ok. I guess I just wrote my blog post.
Ha!
Longest comment you've ever gotten I bet!

packing day bliss

2010-04-07T09:52:00.000-07:00

Packing and shipping days are the very most fun and exciting days for my big kitten.
Sometimes we can't find him.

Ahhh... there he is! (he stayed in there until we needed the rest of the packing peanuts. I just opened the bag from time to time to make sure he had enough air).

He has some rather kinky predilections:

Whatever floats your boat, is what I say...

Packing day is bliss for a certain big kitten.

(as always, click on a photo to make it bigger... and you will be able to better see why my floor is always covered in packing peanuts...)

today

2010-03-28T20:41:00.000-07:00

kitten nips at my nose to wake me (he did let me sleep late though)

coffee

internet

yoga

paint

nap

cut and tape

run

stop for groceries on way home from run

prep food for week

cut and tape

and soon...

bed.

and then another day tomorrow.

it's all good!

weekend!

2010-03-27T09:51:00.000-07:00

and why, might you ask, is the weekend a treat for me?

(since I work every day anyway).

Because! I plan my weekend days around a delicious mid-day nap!

And because on weekends I don't have any of my (wonderful & important) helpers around, which allows me the luxury of more time to enjoy doing what I first loved about this work: feeling the delight of knowing, as I wake in the morning, that there is nothing I have to do except spend time quietly making things.

I don't have to play at being manager, traffic director, organizer, responsible business owner (I'm trying to learn that one). I don't have to have my brain constantly tuned into how to make sure everyone has productive work to do in their hours here, making sure everyone is ok (which although is not really my responsibility, it IS my nature to care about such things, and it is my home). I don't have to answer the phone if I don't want to, I don't have to try to figure out when I am going to manage to get my run in, make it to yoga, get the sandblasting done in time for their arrival.

And it's quiet.

Not that I don't enjoy the lively chatter, the gut-busting laughter, the thoughtful discussions.

I love those.

In fact although I energetically resisted the notion of having helpers here in my home/factory for a long time (predicting that I would miss my quiet solitude) I really love the energy and company of my lovely helpers.

They contribute an enormous positive quality to my life (not to mention the essential help).

But my quiet solitude is still the place where my truest self resides and refreshes.

Quiet solitude always feels like home.

And I breathe out on weekends.

finally, the new photos!

2010-03-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

In no particular order, and without further adieu:
(as always, click on photo to view larger image).

One example of the new "Sunset Line." I love how the shadows read through the front to the back.

Another example of the sunset line.

These are not glued on, or painted on, or decals. They are actually transfered onto the glass. Intentionally rustic!

How could I not do crows and nests?

I'm in love with this series. Photo transfer technique again. I think was worth the struggle.

Some examples of the floral in the new "Rustic" Line. Photo transfer. One example of what I was struggling with so hard early this year.

Mysterious, foggy tree from the Delicate Line.

Some of the Damask in the Delicate Line

It's great to finally have photos of my newest work to show. I'm proud of it, and proud of myself for pushing through the very thick wall to get to some new work for the year. And very, very grateful that it was well received at the shows.

PS. the photos are all taken as I walked around my neighborhood, the photos were done by Karl Seifert in Philadelphia, who did my photos last year too!

Yippee!

practice

2010-03-21T13:23:00.000-07:00

It has floated up to my attention (in yet a new way) that there is something to learn from and about my struggles around transitions.

Primarily transitions from one energetic state to another.

I've noticed that I constantly struggling against a desire to "go unconscious", to go deep into habit, pattern... just somehow "away". And transitioning from that inward, quiet, still state to a more active state is a big struggle for me.

Big.

Even though I really enjoy (for the most part) the other state once I'm there.

There is nothing in my life (currently) that I need to escape from (well, bill collectors as I am working to get the coffers built back up after the expensive east coast shows not withstanding...). It's habitual. From somewhere in my past.

I like my life now. Love it, actually.

But I've become aware that that desire to "go unconscious" is a strong, seductive and habitual mode of being.

It has the power of gravity.

I've been pondering, extending my intent to understand it more deeply (since fighting it is only somewhat effective and has begun to feel very harsh).

An image came to me of a large barbed lure, kind of like a fishing lure on a line. My struggle to move gracefully into transitions feels metaphorically like I am trying to pull it out against the barbs and it gets stuck. With my formidable and well-honed will-power (often a necessary and useful strength) I pull harder and harder until it comes out, ripping flesh and tissue. I force myself to ignore the discomfort, to push through out of shear force of will.

I think there may be another way.

One that doesn't rely solely on force.

Maybe just save that formidable willpower for real crises?

During the meditation in yoga today it occurred to me that I might be able to tug on it gently from the other direction, and perhaps it could slide out more easily without the barbs digging in and ripping me as I pull so very hard.

Presence in the moment is one of the keys I think. Really noticing that today there is nothing to fear in a more conscious experience of all the various states. Assess in current time the actual experience compared with the anticipated...

I can handle it. I'm a grown up woman.

Unconsciousness might not be the only safe, centered, or pleasant state available to me.

I've decided that is my current practice.

(but don't think for a moment I'm giving up my weekend mid-day naps!)

was it really over a week ago?

2010-03-20T15:40:00.000-07:00

So last week (or sometime in what feels like the distant past) I got my shipment back from the east coast. I paid one of T.'s sons to help schlep the work into the house, while putting the show gear into the shed.

Well, as you can see we had a tower of boxes filling the living room, and by the end the tower nearly reached the ceiling.

An old friend I haven't seen for at least 8 years called and wanted to come visit that evening.

I suggested a restaurant instead.

He suggested meeting me here at the house, as the restaurant is in the neighborhood and we could walk together.

It seemed very odd for me to tell him I didn't want him to come to the house, as he had spent much time here in the past.

So I warned him.

Even so, when he walked in he kind of gulped and said "I really like seeing people's work spaces."

Oh dear. Reputation ruined forever.

During the process of unpacking my kitty was in absolute bliss. There is NOTHING he loves more than plastic bags full of packing peanuts. Actually anything resembling a plastic bag. Apparently kitties can have their kinks as well.He likes boxes too, but they fall short of absolute over-the-top love.

He climbs inside them and just sits.

curve balls

2010-03-09T09:25:00.001-08:00

Have you ever noticed that balls don't always land where you throw them?
I'm just sayin'.

And on another note, work is progressing. SO many orders to fill I am anxious to get my shipment back from Baltimore so that we can fill some orders with the surplus inventory shipped there. It will feel like we're rolling again! (and most important, that the money is rolling in THIS direction again... bills to pay!)

Actively looking for another helper, starting with word of mouth, but if that doesn't result in the right person very soon I will leap into the Craig's List storm. Every time I've posted a gig on Craig's List I've had at least 50-65 responses. It is rather overwhelming for me, although I've been quite fortunate each time.

And then there is that sad feeling that there are SO many people looking so hard for minimum-pay work, at least as a starting/training wage.

I feel full of gratefulness to have job security for the next year.

Very, very grateful.

snippets and bits

2010-03-06T09:27:00.001-08:00

I'm HOME.

Yes, I am still relishing that fact.

I have stories I've been wanting to tell, they are fading fast.

So I will post a few random photos from the end of the trip(s) and see if I can remember what I wanted to tell about them.

I'd have more photos and more stories if, on the last day of the last show my camera had not acted all princess-y and told me it's poor little barely used battery was "exhausted".

I was more than a little derisive about it's complaint and refusal to keep on trucking, to metaphorically hold the back of it's hand against it's forehead and faint away--when I'D BEEN ACTUALLY WORKING BEYOND ANY REALISTIC LIMIT OF EXHAUSTION and IT had been riding along in my bag snapping a quick shot a couple times here or there.

Taking things a little personally? Projecting a bit onto an inanimate object? Hell no!

But now, in no particular order:

This was my booth neighbor at the Baltimore show. His name is Dale Rogers, he is a sculptor, and one of the very nicest, most adorable, most fun guys a girl could have as her booth neighbor. During shows our booth-neighbors become like family. A quick intimacy of shared days, hopes, struggles, hard work. When we see each other again someplace "down the road" we will hug and greet each other like long lost friends. That's just how it is in this life.

What is the deal with the housecleaning staff always pointing the toilet paper in my hotel rooms every day? When rooming with others, it always seems a bit like winning a prize when I get to be the one to "use the point". I must admit the points sort of delight me, but still... what's the deal? (or the point, more to the point...).

I called these two the goofy girls. My cousin from Idaho and her friend Beverly (who lives in Baltimore). They both came to help tear down on the last day. We went to my hotel lounge for drinks and a bite after. They are a pair of total goofs when they are together, and I think proximity increases it exponentially. What a pair, they never stopped laughing! It all seems like a memory of a dream or a movie, I was seeing and hearing them from the blur of exhaustion.

Cousins. Exhausted me and Miss Rebecca.

Exhausted me. showing off that I can do a sort of tree pose AFTER a martini, holding another in my hand.
HA! Take THAT, oh poor "exhausted" phone battery. Hrrumpf.

And last:

The next morning I took a train from Baltimore to Philly to catch my flight home (HOME!) and this is a shot from the taxi ride from train station to airport. This guy was a hoot. He never, not once, quit talking. About the details (details, I tell you!) of his last vacation with his wife.

"..and we stayed in the condo, it had wood floors and a balcony, and you had to walk down 3 steps, they were wooden steps you know? and then we could take our umbrellas, they had a place we could leave them, oh and a shower to rinse off, right at those steps, the 3 wooden ones, and we always eat at buffets, there is nothing better, we tried Applebees one time but they told me I couldn't have any bread or rolls because they didn't have any but then my wife got some garlic bread with her dinner and you know for that money I could have had anything I wanted at a buffet, I mean they've got ham and chicken (fixed you know, either roasted or fried, and lots of anything you could ever want and even prime rib or fish if you eat it and you can always have your rolls with your dinner and you can have everything you want and I don't see why anyone would want to eat anywhere else, so when we would leave our condo and go down those 3 wooden steps we only had to walk to the right about 5 minutes to get to one buffet and then if we wanted a different one, we just walked about 10 minutes, well actually it was more like 7 minutes further and they had even better choices..."

When I got to the Philly airport I had a lot of time to wait so I walked up and down all the different terminals checking it all out, scoping out where I wanted to eat before my flight. I ended up getting my nails done and painted a deep red (Ha! the polish has lasted all of 3 days, but it was fun) and eating sushi. Love that. Then got crammed into a full plane, plugged in my tunes, and managed to doze a bit until arriving HOME!

Since then it's been a full day of naps (each and every activity required a nap to recover..), a total love-fest with my kitty, and going through re-entry transition. I now have to figure out how in the world we are going to fill all the gallery orders I wrote while at the shows. This week I will have to brave my trepidation and post an ad on Craig's List for an additional assistant.

NOT a bad problem to have!

So here I am again, back to the daily life of making a living as an artist sort of person.

And did I mention I'm glad to be home?

Home

2010-03-02T09:17:00.000-08:00

Coffee in lap, kitten in cup.

Well, that's what I just wrote in response to a comment.

But it seems about right.

Except somehow the coffee knows how to purr I guess.

A bunch of random photos and stories from the shows will follow.

Maybe today, maybe not.

But sometime.

Home

2010-03-01T22:31:00.000-08:00

I'm home.

My kitty is purring and biting.

My luggage is on the floor of the kitchen, with only my toothbrush and computer unpacked.

I had some gin.

I'm going to bed.

I'm SO happy to be home I even shed a few tears.

Tomorrow the only thing on my list is:

NOTHING!

Good night.

planes, trains and automobiles

2010-03-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

I had to get another chunk of internet time after all, to handle a (hopefully!) last shipping near catastrophe. But it's handled, and now the shipment is on it's way home.

Soon this sack of cells some would call Melinda will be home too.

The schedule for the day:

1: workout on fitness center treadmill for 30 minutes to purge some of the stress hormones.

2: pack

3: taxi to train station

4: train to Philly

5: taxi to airport

6: fly to Seattle

7. B comes to pick me up

8. I hug my kitty

9. my kitty scratches and bites me

10. I take enough of a dose to keep me asleep for at least 10 hours.

11. I do absolutely nothing the entire next day that I am not in the mood for.

12. The day after, I climb back on the horse--already have a sandblasting reservation.

And so the year will begin again.

Off now, to finish the list for today!

Show over...

2010-02-28T19:26:00.000-08:00

Another iPhone post. Does this work? Can anyone read this?

I'm curious.

I'm also SO done!

This time tomorrow I'll be on a plane.

Heading home.

Of course I'll miss the clean sheets, towels, toilets, chocolates on the pillow each night...

But...

I'll be home.

Retail show much, much slower than I had expected or hoped. Same story from the other artists I spoke with.

But wholesale has promised me a very busy year, so to be anything less than incredibly gratefull would be simply insane.

I arranged for late checkout tomorrow, so I get to:

SLEEP IN!

And I'll write more after a full dose of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's........

Good night!

Too cheap to...

2010-02-27T18:10:00.000-08:00

...buy another couple of day's Internet service here in the hotel, but not too cheap to spend ridiculous amounts of money on reastaurent meals every night. A girl has her priorities! So I am trying posting from my iPhone, I've been finding lot's of little reasons to justify the fact that I have one. Such as this, and using the compass when I lost my bearings coming up out of the metro in NYC, with no WTC to orient to.

Show slow, but totals above panic level so that's good. And I have good job security for the next year, and that is awesome.

Becky and I had sushi tonight after the show, and I am happily jammied up back at the hotel here for the night.

Last day tomorrow, then pack everything up again and ship it home.

Then one more night here, and I get to ship myself home.

If every moment were not so demanding I know I'd be excited.

But until I spend a couple days in my own home and allow myself to slow down, it all just seems like a string of things on the list to try to keep on top of.

Can you tell I'm getting more and more tired? It's all become a total blur.

I hope the last retail day tomorrow proves to be the best!

And the only appropriate thing to do just now is to wish you all a good night!

I slept!

2010-02-26T19:44:00.000-08:00

I almost overslept.

I would have, had housekeeping not pounded on my door at 9:30 this morning.

My alarm didn't go off and I got 11 hours of sleep.

Hallelujah!

Slow, molasses slow day.

But no matter:

I slept!

day one of retail

2010-02-25T18:36:00.000-08:00

My ability to be articulate is waning day by day.

Today was day one of retail and I was there early, as planned. I hustled and hustled and brought out as much more inventory as I could fit on the shelves (more, actually, but I can work magic with risers...).

Very few customers, but if I sell as much as I sold today each of the next 3 days I'll not have to shoot myself. So that's a good thing.

If, as some customers said, it is utterly swamped over the weekend, I could actually come close to meeting my retail goal and go home having covered the expenses of doing the shows. Let's hope for even better, ok?

Today my cousin Becky came, and she and her friend Beverly picked me up to go to dinner at a fancy Italian place.

And Beverly commented how much we look alike. It must be Grandma Bunny's eyes:

Proof I'm a "real artist"

Wish me sleep, ok?

I think this whole show stuff requires SOOOO much override of all my mental, physical, emotional limits just to accomplish what is necessary that my body doesn't know how to let go finally, at the end of the day.

I do my breathing, yoga, reading...

It seems that for now, knowing it is only 4 days until I head home will have to do. And that's pretty soon! Lot's to do in the meantime, but still, it's pretty soon.

And right now?

I wish us all a good night of sleep!

soooo tired!

2010-02-24T19:19:00.001-08:00

I need to try to explain here just how tired I am.

Never mind.

I can't explain it.

It is more than words could bring to the senses.

So instead I'll simply say:

After NOT sleeping again last night, I worked out this morning at 6:30 (thinking that might help) and then worked the show and while there were no customers I made up cards for the retail customers and new price thingies and got bags ready and stuff...

Then at 6 pm, when the wholesale show ended I hurried up under the mistaken illusion that I could transform my booth from wholesale to retail in an hour or two and get to the bar and have my drink and supper and go to bed and get up in the morning to workout and go leisurely to the show opening at 10 am...

Well, at 9:30 pm I stopped lifting and carrying and schlepping and jogging with box after box after box from stock storage to my booth and back (a pretty darn long trip).

I gave up.

I went to the bar, had the martini, ate my supper, came upstairs, called housekeeping for more chocolate (gotta love a hotel that does the chocolate on the pillow thing...) and I'm about to go to bed.

Pray to the gods of sleep they bless me tonight.

No workout tomorrow morning, no leisurely walk to the opening of retail.

No.

I'll be there at 8 am trying frantically to merchandize and price all the work in my booth.

And if the customers come and buy as I sense they might... (I already made a few retail sales to people who couldn't wait),

Well, it will be worth it.

But don't think for an instant that it is easy.

learning to say no

2010-02-23T18:43:00.000-08:00

Well granted, it's kind of cheating. But hey, baby steps count! I couldn't take any more orders no matter what, but I DID have to tell some potential buyers "no".

As you can see from this:

there really weren't any buyers to be seen.

So I'm even more grateful for the Philly show.

I had two galleries come by that currently sell my work and I had to tell them I couldn't make any promises, but that on my waiting list current customers definitely get top priority. That seems right.

Hell, I don't know how to do this! I'm flying by the seat of my pants.

For some behind the scenes interest (or not) here is a shot of my "desk" area with everything packed in, along with my knees. Not much space, the work is more important so I get squished in a corner:

Telling customers "no" was a brand new experience.

Most of the buyers brightened up and said things like: "oh! I am so happy for you! Congratulations!" This is an amazing example of this community, artists and buyers alike, supporting each other in what are really two sides of the same coin.

I was so touched by their responses when they clearly had enough interest in my work to stop in my booth long enough for me to consider it important to warn them.

One potential customer kind of scowled and asked me why I was even AT the show, if I wasn't interested in selling. I explained that I had never in my wildest dreams expected to be in this situation, and that I had already committed to doing the show.
She started walking away, then turned around, studied my work some more, and took my card.

Flying by the seat of my pants.

I slept poorly last night. I was feeling some anxiety, and was generally unsettled. I realized at some point in the middle of the night that I was overwhelmed at the thought of getting home late next Monday night, going to sleep, and getting up early Tuesday to hit the ground running again. I would have missed being in my home for 3 weeks, having worked very intensely in ever-changing environments, and others (wonderful others, but others non-the-less) will have been in my home the whole time. Which is EXACTLY what I had hoped and planned for, but...

I feel a little out of control of my world, left out of my home, and I realized I need (at the very least) a whole day alone in my (rarely!) clean house that I'd paid to have cleaned just before I left, so that it would be clean to come home to.

I need:

to pee in the corners, mark it again as my own.

to get snuggled up with my kitty again!

to have a whole day in my jammies if I choose.

to not answer the phone, not look at orders, not think about business for an entire day.

to take as many naps as I feel like!

to reclaim my home, my life, my work, my self.

I realize that's a very tall order for one day, but it soothes me and helps me feel a little more sense of control, and that feels good.

So I cancelled work for next Tuesday.

I expect to sleep better tonight.

I'm heading off to bed right now, to test that theory.

I'll let you know!

Good night!

fully fed and martini'd...

2010-02-22T18:06:00.000-08:00

..but you deserve a post today. (that reminds me of a jingle, but which?)

Ok. So I wrote last night, all responsibly intentional and everything, that I was going to jammie up, go to bed, sip some cognac while folding my customer cards and watching something stupid on TV, right?

Well. What really happened is: I got my jammies on, poured some cognac, set all the stuff in place to work on, and fell asleep. At 8:30. And I didn't wake up until 9 this morning.

Tired, you think?

So today I walked over to the show and proceeded to spend, oh, 8 hours? on "fluffing", getting everything arranged and priced and set on risers and polished and buffed and and and...

Discovered that certain pieces from several lines were just plain missing.

I dug through ALL the empty boxes, already on skids and wrapped for storage.

I dug ( seventeen gazzilion times) through all the retail back-stock.

I did my yoga stretches after my back seized up in my booth after lifting all the heavy boxes of back-stock seventeen gazzilion times.

I wondered where those pieces went, between Philly and Baltimore.

I hope whoever has them loves them.

I hope they reap just a smidge of karma.

I hope they recover and go on to have enlightened lives.

And I sent my empties off.

I lost a huge filling in a way back molar. Eating gluten free high fiber "sticks and twigs." Sheesh. I thought they were good for you!

It doesn't really hurt. Yet. I hope never.

I hope I make enough money to:

1. Pay my assistant back what she lent me to do these shows.
2. Pay my suppliers.
3. Get a crown on said molar
4. Buy a new mattress since my 17 year-old one feels like a boat, or a ditch, or something inappropriate for a mattress.
5. (and all those other things like money in the bank, etc.)

What else? Oh yeah, photos!

During set-up and tear-down we enter through the loading docks. Very "inner circle" and industrial!

There are several guards posted at every possible entrance. And other places throughout. If you are not wearing your badge, you don't get in. At least that's how it's supposed to work.

Where I have my retail back-stock stored. I am always quite certain that I have brought waaayyyy too much. Sometimes I'm wrong. I'd love it if this were one of those times! (Several guards here too).

et voila!
ready and waiting for tomorrow. It might not look much different than the photo I posted yesterday, but it took all day fluffing and fussing to get it as "right" as I could.

YES! Redemption! Happy hour with fresh local oysters on the half shell.

I can live again.

And now bed. No illusions about work or cognac or even stupid TV.

Just lovely, luscious sleep.